Have you ever told someone exactly what you were looking for, had them tell you they were completely on the same page, and thought:
Perfect! Glad we cleared that up.
Then halfway through the date, you realize...
Wait. Are we on the same page? Are we even reading the same BOOK?
Yeah.
Meet Deceptive Dave.
My First Utah Date
I had recently moved to Utah and was at a YSA—Young Single Adult—activity, trying to meet people and make friends.
I'd heard plenty about how many amazing single guys there were in Utah, so while I wasn't looking for anything serious yet, I was excited for a fresh start and a new dating scene.
At one point during the activity, a big group formed around me and we all started talking.
Eventually, I ended up chatting with one particular guy.
He looked older and, if I'm being completely honest, wasn't really my cup of tea.
But he seemed nice enough, and we connected over Ohio, so we talked for a little while.
Then, completely out of nowhere, he asked for my number.
In front of everyone.
I froze.
I wasn't really interested, but saying no with an audience felt rude and awkward.
So I did something younger Alaina has unfortunately done more than once:
I said yes because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings.
I gave him my number and secretly hoped he wouldn't use it.
Well...
he used it.
But I Thought We Were on the Same Page
He reached out and asked me on a date.
Before agreeing, though, I wanted to be very clear about where I was.
I had just moved to Utah.
I wanted to make friends, meet people, and settle into my new life.
I wasn't interested in jumping into anything serious.
He told me he'd recently gone through a breakup and was basically in the same boat.
Great!
We understood each other.
This could just be a fun, easygoing date with no pressure.
We decided on mini golf and ice cream.
Simple.
Casual.
What could possibly go wrong?
Apparently...
a lot.
“You're So Gorgeous I Forgot My Pickup Line”
When he came to pick me up, one of the first things he said was:
“You're so gorgeous I forgot my pickup line.”
Oh.
Yikes.
Maybe another woman would find that incredibly flattering.
For me, it immediately felt like... a lot.
And we'd been on the date for approximately thirty seconds.
I remember getting into his car with this little uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.
Nothing terrible had happened.
Technically, he'd just complimented me.
But something felt off, and looking back, I wish I had paid a little more attention to that feeling.
Everything Was a Joke
We drove to mini golf and made small talk along the way.
Once we started playing, I noticed something else about him:
everything was a joke.
He'd say something weird or surprisingly serious and then immediately follow it with:
“Haha, just kidding.”
Then another joke.
Then another.
After a while, I genuinely couldn't tell when he was kidding and when he wasn't.
Then came the compliments.
“You're so beautiful.”
“Everyone is staring at you.”
“How are you not taken?”
And then another compliment.
And another.
Sir.
You don't even know me yet.
If you know me, you know that being repeatedly complimented only on my appearance actually makes me uncomfortable.
I want someone to notice more than what I look like.
Ask me about what I love.
My faith. My goals. What makes me laugh. My weird opinions. My stories.
Who I am.
Instead, I started feeling like he was fascinated with an idea of me without actually knowing anything about me.
Meanwhile, I was becoming increasingly interested in one very important question:
How many holes are left?
Hole 14? Perfect. Four more, Alaina. You can do this.
And Then Things Got...Deeper
At some point, he asked whether I felt more comfortable or uncomfortable when people were open and vulnerable.
I actually liked the question.
I told him it depended on the relationship.
Vulnerability with my friends makes me feel closer to them, and honestly, I'm pretty much an open book myself.
Then he cut me off and told me openness made him uncomfortable and that he didn't like open books.
Okay...
Which was especially confusing because he was the one asking me really deep and personal questions.
Another little...
Hmm...interesting.
Then I found out his age.
Thirty-two.
I knew he was older.
I just didn't realize he was that much older.
My personal dating range at the time was around five years older or younger, so this was already outside what I was comfortable with.
But apparently we weren't done.
Because then he asked me:
“How many kids do you want?”
Sir.
We are playing MINI GOLF.
On our FIRST DATE.
I looked at him like:
You're seriously asking me this right now?
And he responded with something along the lines of:
“Well, we're getting married, of course.”
Except he said it in that same joking-but-maybe-not-joking tone he'd been using all night.
And that's when I finally said what I had been thinking:
“You're a little out of my age range, sir.”
Just like that...
something changed.
The Switch
The guy who had spent the entire date telling me how beautiful I was suddenly became cold.
He laughed, but then walked away from me.
We finished mini golf and headed back toward the car mostly in silence.
Remember the ice cream we had planned?
At this point, I wasn't exactly craving additional quality time.
But because apparently I still hadn't learned how to simply say, Okay, BYE, I awkwardly asked whether we were still getting a treat.
I even told him that if this was the end of the date, I was completely okay with that.
His response?
“Oh, you still want to get a treat?!”
Well...
not anymore.
We got into his car, and the drive back felt completely different.
He drove a stick shift, and I remember noticing how aggressively he seemed to be driving and shifting.
Maybe he was frustrated.
Maybe my discomfort made everything feel more intense.
Either way, I just wanted to get home.
When we reached my apartment complex—not even my actual apartment—he abruptly stopped the car and, in a cold, prideful tone, said something like:
“Well, I guess there's no need to continue this date any further.”
And here's the part that makes me shake my head at myself now:
I apologized.
I had been uncomfortable for most of the date, but somehow I was worried that I had hurt his feelings.
I tried to explain that I hadn't meant to offend him by saying he was outside my age range, but he cut me off and told me there was no need to explain.
At that point, I finally bit my tongue.
I got out of the car, thanked him for the date, wished him luck on his dating journey, and walked away.
And that was the end of my first Utah date.
Yep. Welcome to Utah, Alaina.
Why I Call Him Deceptive Dave
Looking back, what bothered me most wasn't his age.
It wasn't even the compliments, strange jokes, or marriage comment.
It was the disconnect between what he said and how the date actually felt.
Before the date, I had clearly told him I wasn't looking for anything serious.
He told me he understood because he was in the same place.
But once we were together, nothing about the interaction felt casual.
There were constant compliments, deep personal questions, comments about marriage and children, and then a noticeable change in his behavior when I made it clear that I wasn't interested romantically.
At the time, I remember wondering:
Is this love bombing?
I can't know what his intentions actually were.
But I can tell you how all that attention and intensity made me feel:
pressured, uncomfortable, and like the boundary I had communicated wasn't really being heard.
That's where the name Deceptive Dave came from.
His words told me one thing, but his behavior made me feel something completely different.
The Part I Had to Learn
There were actually two moments in this story where I ignored what I wanted because I was worried about seeming rude.
I gave him my number because other people were watching.
Then later, even after I had felt uncomfortable for most of the date, I apologized because I was worried I'd offended him.
Looking back, that's the part of this story I pay the most attention to.
Kindness and boundaries can exist at the same time.
I can be kind and still say no.
I can agree to a date and later decide I'm not interested.
I can tell someone my boundaries without being responsible for whether they like those boundaries.
And maybe most importantly, I've learned to pay attention to what happens after I tell someone no—or simply tell them something they don't want to hear.
Do their actions still match their words?
Do I still feel respected?
Can I disagree without feeling punished for it?
Who does someone become when they don't get the answer they wanted?
Those questions tell me a lot more than a pickup line ever could.
I later learned that other women in my area had also had uncomfortable experiences with him.
Their stories aren't mine to tell, but hearing that did make me feel less like I had imagined how strange the whole interaction felt.
The Part That Actually Hurt
But surprisingly, Dave wasn't really the part that hurt.
What hurt was what that date represented.
This was my first date since moving to Utah.
I'd heard it over and over:
There are so many single guys in Utah!
You're going to meet so many people!
Dating is going to be great!
And then my first date was...
that.
I remember going back to my apartment feeling discouraged.
Not because I wanted Dave.
Definitely not.
I was discouraged because I'd moved somewhere new with this little spark of hope that maybe this chapter of dating would be different.
Instead, my first experience left me thinking:
Seriously! THIS is how we're starting??
What Deceptive Dave Taught Me
Looking back now, though, I think Deceptive Dave was simply one of my first Utah Dating Detours.
He taught me that communicating my boundaries is only half of it.
I also have to trust myself enough to act on them.
That I can tell a guy:
No, you can't have my number.
He also reminded me that someone saying they're on the same page doesn't necessarily mean they are.
Sometimes you have to stop listening to the pickup lines, compliments, and promises long enough to watch what someone actually does.
Because words can sound really good.
But behavior tells the story.
And for the record...
if you're ever playing mini golf on a first date and someone tells you that you're getting married...
You are absolutely allowed to skip the ice cream part!
Have someone's words and actions ever told you two different things?
Maybe they said they respected a boundary, were on the same page, or wanted the same thing... but something about their behavior made you think, Hmm...this doesn't quite match.
I'd love to hear what helped you notice the difference. ❤️
Deceptive Dave taught me that saying my boundary out loud isn't the end of the job.
I also have to believe I'm allowed to stand by it.
And when someone's words and behavior aren't telling me the same story...
I'm learning to pay attention to the behavior.
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