THE INFLUENCED IVAN SERIES

Part Three of Three

I knew the conversation was coming.

My flight back to Ohio was getting closer, summer was ending, and Ivan and I had spent weeks conveniently avoiding one very obvious question:

What were we going to do about us?

We'd enjoyed the relationship.

Maybe a little too much to want reality crashing in.

But eventually, we couldn't keep avoiding it.

So one night, we sat in the car and decided it was time for another DTR: Define the Relationship.

And this time, we were going to be honest.

I Went First

We talked about what we'd liked about the relationship.

What wasn't working.

Things we'd noticed.

Whether we should try long-distance, break up, or stay friends.

I went first.

And I tried to be kind.

I told him I was concerned about our communication.

That three-hour car ride had made something pretty clear to me:

I needed more conversation in a relationship.

I wasn't sure we naturally connected that way.

He agreed.

He admitted communication wasn't one of his strengths.

Then I finished.

He looked at me.

“That's it?”

Apparently, I'd temporarily misplaced my entire mental folder of Hmm...interesting observations.

Then it was his turn.

And...

boy, did he throw a few daggers at my heart.

“You're Too Agreeable.”

First, Ivan told me he worried that I was too agreeable.

That I was always willing to do whatever he wanted.

He wondered if maybe I didn't have strong opinions of my own.

And honestly?

That one made me think.

Because I did have opinions.

I was just easygoing.

If someone says, “Pizza or tacos?” I'm probably going to say:

“I don't care. You pick.”

Not because I don't have a personality.

But because...

I genuinely don't care.

Still, his comment made me wonder whether I could be more intentional about sharing my preferences.

Maybe I was still learning how to confidently take up space in a relationship.

That was something I could own.

But then...

he said something else.

The Sentence That Changed the Whole Conversation

This one didn't just make me think.

It hurt.

“I also think you thought I enjoyed kissing you more than I did.”

Excuse me?

For a little context...

the man kissed pretty dang well for a returned missionary.

So...

what exactly did that mean?!

At the time, I laughed.

I was confused and didn't really know what else to do with the comment.

By the end of the conversation, we'd decided to stop dating, try to remain friends, and maybe talk again in a couple of months.

It sounded mature.

Reasonable.

Like maybe we'd give each other some room and see how we felt later.

He walked me to the door.

I kissed him one last time goodbye as my boyfriend.

And then I went inside.

And Then I Couldn't Sleep

I tried to go to bed.

But that conversation stayed with me ALL night.

One sentence kept playing over and over:

“I think you thought I enjoyed kissing you more than I did.”

What the HECK did that mean?

By the next morning, I wasn't laughing anymore.

I was angry.

Hurt.

Confused.

And honestly?

I felt used.

Because I'd told him from the beginning that kissing meant something to me.

Physical affection wasn't something I wanted to ever give casually. 

To me, it represented trust. Connection. Choosing to give a little more of myself to someone.

And suddenly I was questioning everything. 

Did I give something important to me to the wrong person?

Did I misunderstand the connection?

Did I ignore things I should have paid attention to?

Was I too trusting?

I Didn't Know How to Face Him

And the timing couldn't have been worse.

I was flying home in two days.

My emotions were already all over the place, and my period apparently decided this was the perfect time to join the party too.

So I did what I knew how to do at the time.

I hid myself away. 

I turned toward my favorite dairy free ice cream.

And binged watched my #1 favorite K-drama.

And thankfully, there was a really good friend who stayed with me through most of it.

Ivan tried to reach me.

He called. Texted. Even came over once.

I didn't answer. I didn't respond. I didn't open the door. 

At the time, part of me felt like I was protecting both of us.

I knew I wasn't in a place where I could have a calm conversation without everything spilling out.

So I avoided it instead.

Then it was time to go home.

And I'd made up my mind:

I wasn't going to say goodbye.

I sat on the plane staring out the window, starting to realize I wasn't just dealing with the end of a summer relationship anymore.

I was dealing with the possibility that the relationship I thought I had been building... wasn't actually what I thought it was.

What I Couldn't See Yet

Looking back now, there were a lot of things I was learning in that relationship.

Attraction mattered... but attraction wasn't the whole relationship.

Little observations didn't automatically need to become giant red flags... but I didn't need to ignore them either.

And maybe the biggest lesson was something I wouldn't fully understand until later:

Physical chemistry can feel like connection before emotional connection has actually had time to grow.

I didn't fully understand that yet.

At that point, I was mostly hurt.

And I thought leaving Idaho meant I could leave the whole situation behind me.

Turns out...

I wasn't quite done with Influenced Ivan yet.

Have you ever been there?

Have you ever had a relationship where the chemistry was definitely there...but something underneath it didn't quite fit?

Or looked back later and realized there were little things you noticed long before you understood what they meant?

I'd love to hear your story. ❤️

ONE MORE PIECE OF THE STORY

What Closure Actually Looked Like

I left without saying goodbye.

But eventually, I had to have the conversation I'd been avoiding.

READ WHAT HAPPENED NEXT →