Sometimes the hardest part of a relationship isn't the breakup.
Sometimes it's what you do with all the feelings afterward.
After everything that happened with Influenced Ivan, I was hurt.
Really hurt.
Confused. Angry. Embarrassed. And honestly... I felt so used.
I had opened my heart to someone, trusted him, and let myself become emotionally and physically vulnerable.
Then our relationship ended, and I had absolutely no idea what to do with everything I was feeling.
So I did what felt easiest.
I locked it all away.
Remember how Ivan and I had decided we'd try to be friends, give each other space, and maybe talk again in a couple of months?
Yeah...
I didn't exactly follow that plan.
I Just Left
When it was time for me to go home to Ohio, I left without saying goodbye.
I didn't respond to his messages. I didn't answer his calls.
I just went home.
And I'm not proud of that.
I was angry. Really angry.
I felt like he'd hurt me, and I didn't want to give him another opportunity to do it again.
So I blocked him.
Then I took every feeling I had about him—the hurt, anger, confusion, sadness, and even the good memories—and shoved them into the deepest part of my heart.
I locked the door.
Put a giant emotional padlock on it.
And basically told myself:
“We're not dealing with that.”
Problem solved, right?
Yeah... not exactly.
I wanted to pretend the summer had never happened.
Forget the relationship. The kisses. The conversations. The good parts. The painful parts.
Honestly... I wanted to forget him.
I thought if I stopped thinking about it long enough, eventually I wouldn't feel anything anymore.
But feelings don't really work that way.
You can bury them. Ignore them. Lock them behind a door.
They still know how to knock.
Apparently Moms Know Everything
When I got off the plane, my mom knew almost immediately that something was wrong.
Moms are annoying like that.
Somehow they have built-in emotional radar capable of detecting “My daughter is absolutely not fine” from approximately three miles away.
But I didn't want to talk.
I wasn't ready.
So I went home, shut myself in my room, and tried to act like I was okay.
And for weeks...
I cried.
Eventually, One day, everything I'd burried deep, deep down came to the surface. And I told my mom what had happened.
I told her I hadn't said goodbye. I told her how hurt I was. I told her I'd blocked him.
And somewhere in the middle of saying it all out loud, I realized something.
I didn't have closure.
I thought I wanted to forget the relationship.
But maybe what I actually wanted was to understand it.
Those are two very different things.
I still had questions.
What did he mean?
Did he really not enjoy kissing me?
Did I misunderstand the connection?
Was I used?
Was I too trusting?
And eventually, I realized that if I wanted answers, I was going to have to do something VERY uncomfortable.
I was going to have to reach out.
I know.
Bold move for someone who had literally blocked the guy.
The Conversation I Had Been Avoiding
I finally sent Ivan a message asking if he'd be willing to talk.
Then I waited.
To my surprise, he said yes.
So we had a video call.
And holy cow...
it was awkward.
Like:
“Why did I think this was a good idea?”
I'd replayed that conversation in my head so many times.
Somehow, none of those imaginary versions prepared me for actually seeing his face on my screen.
But eventually, I started talking.
And the first thing I did was apologize.
I told him I was sorry I'd left without saying goodbye.
No matter how hurt I was, I knew that wasn't how I wanted to handle things.
Then I told him what had happened inside me after our final DTR.
I told him what he'd said had hurt me.
That I had felt confused.
And used.
I reminded him that physical affection had meant something to me.
So hearing, “I think you thought I enjoyed kissing you more than I did,” had felt like a punch to the gut.
Then he explained.
He told me that what he'd said...
wasn't actually what he'd meant.
Which was somehow both comforting and incredibly frustrating.
Because even after he explained, I'm not sure I could give you a perfect translation of what he had actually been trying to say.
But I finally understood one thing:
The meaning I'd carried home with me wasn't necessarily the meaning he'd intended.
What I Heard vs. What He Meant
That conversation taught me something I've carried into dating ever since.
Sometimes people don't say what they mean very well.
And sometimes we hear something one way while the other person meant something completely different.
That doesn't mean what we felt wasn't real.
I really was hurt.
But I also learned that sometimes, before I decide exactly what someone meant, I need to give them a chance to clarify.
Something as simple as:
“When you said that, this is what I heard. Is that what you meant?”
Looking back, I think that would've saved me a lot of pain.
Instead, I'd heard his words through all the hurt I was already feeling and reacted to the meaning I'd attached to them.
And that's not exactly the recipe for great communication.
And Ivan was hurt too
During that super awkward video call, I learned something I honestly hadn't expected: I wasn't the only one who had been hurt.
Ivan explained that he had been really hurt too. He was confused about why I hadn't answered his calls or responded to his messages, and why I had left without saying goodbye. From his perspective, he didn't fully understand what he had done wrong or why I had suddenly shut him out.
And that was when I had a pretty uncomfortable realization.
In a way, I had done to Ivan what I felt like he had done to me.
I hadn't said anything hurtful to him, but my silence and my actions had still hurt him. I had been so wrapped up in my own pain that I hadn't really stopped to think about what my disappearing without an explanation might have felt like from his side.
So we talked about it. Really talked about it.
I finally got to explain why I had been so hurt, and he got to explain what my actions had felt like to him. Neither of us had handled everything perfectly, but for the first time, we actually understood what had happened from the other person's perspective.
And I think that was the closure we had both been looking for.
The Padlock Finally Opened
The strange thing is that the conversation didn't magically fix everything.
I didn't suddenly want him back.
I didn't decide we'd actually been perfect together.
I didn't walk away understanding every single thing that had happened.
But something did change.
The weight lifted.
It felt like that emotional padlock I'd put around the relationship finally clicked open.
I had said what I needed to say.
I'd apologized for my part.
He'd explained his.
And the sentence that had replayed in my head for months didn't have quite the same power anymore.
We forgave each other.
And for a little while, we actually did what we'd originally planned.
We became friends.
We talked a few more times.
Eventually, life moved forward and the conversations slowly fizzled out.
And honestly?
That was okay.
What Closure Actually Looked Like
I used to think closure meant getting the perfect explanation.
Every question answered. Every loose end tied neatly together.
But that's not really what happened here.
I still didn't understand every detail.
I just understood enough.
“I understand a little more now, and I'm okay moving forward.”
And apparently...
that was enough.
The biggest thing I learned wasn't how to get the perfect ending.
It was that locking my heart wasn't the same thing as healing it.
Ignoring my feelings didn't make them disappear.
Blocking someone didn't automatically create closure.
And pretending something didn't matter didn't make it matter less.
Sometimes healing means opening the door you'd worked very hard to keep locked.
Sometimes it means admitting:
“That hurt me.”
Sometimes it means apologizing for your part.
Sometimes it means asking the awkward question.
And sometimes the answer doesn't change what happened...
but it changes how you carry it.
What Influenced Ivan Left Me With
Ivan wasn't my forever person.
But he was a meaningful part of my dating story.
Through that relationship, I learned about physical chemistry versus emotional connection.
I learned to pay attention to little things without immediately turning every observation into a red flag.
I learned that communication matters more to me than I realized.
I learned how outside expectations can affect a relationship.
And through the ending...
I learned that I don't want to be afraid of hard conversations.
I want to be brave enough to clarify.
To ask.
To listen.
And when I need to:
“This is what I heard. Is that what you meant?”
I'm still learning how to do that.
But I'm grateful I eventually found the courage to unlock that door.
Because once I did...
I could finally move forward.
Have you ever needed closure?
Have you ever tried to forget a relationship, only to realize later that what you really needed was to process what happened?
Or finally had a conversation that helped you understand something you'd been carrying for a long time?
I'd love to hear your story. ❤️
Influenced Ivan taught me that some dating lessons don't end when the relationship does.
Sometimes the relationship ends first... and the lesson comes later.
This one took me a little while.
But eventually, I got there.
And with Ivan's chapter finally closed...
so...on to the next guy. 👀
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