So there I was.
I had a boyfriend.
A cute, red-haired, 6'5" boyfriend who I was very attracted to.
And after spending a lot of my dating life wondering whether guys were interested in me, having someone I actually liked want me back felt...
really good.
Maybe a little too good.
Because while I was enjoying all those butterflies, I hadn't quite realized that something was happening:
The physical chemistry between us was growing a lot faster than the emotional connection.
Oh Boy...The Attraction
Ivan was tall, muscular, and there was something about being around him that made me feel small in the sweetest way.
I loved when he put his arms around me.
I loved being close to him.
I loved the way he held me.
There was something about being with him that brought out this softer, more romantic side of me.
And I noticed it.
I really noticed it.
One night, we were saying goodbye and I thought we were just going to have our normal little “Okay, see you later” moment.
Instead, he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me.
And my heart basically went:
Oh...hello.
I remember that moment because it made me feel wanted.
After spending so much time wondering whether guys were interested in me, there was something almost healing about having a guy I liked look at me that way.
It made me feel beautiful.
Feminine.
Chosen.
Like a woman being pursued by a man she actually liked.
And that feeling was powerful.
Looking back, maybe a little too powerful.
Girl...We Need to Actually KNOW Him
Somewhere underneath all the butterflies, I knew we'd moved quickly.
I knew the RAM Model was supposed to be:
Know → Trust → Rely → Commit → Touch.
And we'd basically gone:
Know → Kiss → Relationship.
So I became determined to get to know Influenced Ivan better.
I started asking questions.
Lots of questions.
What did he want? What did he believe? What did he value? What did he want his future to look like? How did he communicate? What was important to him?
And the more I learned...
the more I started noticing little things.
Nothing screamed: RUN.
There wasn't one giant flashing red flag.
It was more like little pieces of information that made me stop and think:
Hmm...interesting.
First...The Shoes
Ivan wasn't someone who cared about having the nicest clothes or newest things.
At first, I actually liked that.
I thought: Okay, he's not materialistic.
And I still think that can be a really good quality.
But then I started noticing another side of it.
Ivan would wear his shoes until they were literally falling apart.
And I don't mean slightly worn.
He was holding them together with duct tape.
When I mentioned getting new ones, he seemed a little offended that I'd brought it up.
Eventually, his mom bought him another pair.
He also pretty much lived in T-shirts and gym shorts and didn't enjoy dressing up.
None of that automatically made him wrong for me.
But it made me wonder:
Where is the line between not being materialistic and simply not putting much effort into how you present yourself or take care of what you own?
I didn't need an answer immediately.
I just needed to notice.
Then...The Competitiveness
Ivan was extremely competitive.
At first, it could be fun.
I'm not super competitive, so its fun when I'm around someone who is, because I feel like it brings out a more playful side in me.
But sometimes it seemed like winning mattered a little more to him than I expected.
Again, I wasn't thinking: Relationship over.
I was starting to realize dating wasn't only about:
Do I like him?
Am I attracted to him?
Do we have fun together?
It was also about watching how someone handled losing, frustration, disappointment, and not getting his way.
So...
into the mental folder it went.
Hmm...interesting.
Then Came the Three-Hour Car Ride
I invited Ivan to be my date to a wedding.
Which meant we had a three-hour drive together.
Three hours.
In a car.
Just the two of us.
And...
crickets.
It was awkward!
Really awkward.
I remember thinking:
How can I cuddle and kiss this man and feel so connected physically... but now we're sitting in a car together and neither of us knows what to say?
Ivan had told me he was more of a listener.
And that car ride helped me realize something about myself.
I need more of a talker.
Over tine, I've learned communcation is really important to me. I love talking with someone whether that be: Questions. Stories. Laughing. Random rabbit holes. you name it!
I don't just want someone who will listen to me talk.
I want someone who will meet me in the conversation.
Our Hands Didn't Fit
Okay... this one sounds ridiculous.
We were walking around holding hands one day and my hand just...
didn't fit.
I know.
It's a little cheesy.
But when I was younger, my mom once told me that part of what felt right about my dad was how naturally they seemed to fit together—holding hands, cuddling, being close.
Somewhere along the way, I'd tucked that idea into my brain.
So I remember looking down at our hands and thinking:
Why does this feel awkward? What dont we fit?
It wasn't some magical sign from heaven.
But it was another tiny moment where something inside me whispered:
Pay attention.
And Then the Nickname Started Making Sense
Somewhere in the middle of our relationship, Ivan told me something that added another layer to everything.
His parents weren't really in favor of him dating me.
Why?
Because I wasn't from Idaho.
His family had been there for generations, and they hoped he'd marry an Idaho girl who would stay close to home.
Like...
two doors down.
I remember thinking: Wow. That's pretty specific.
I didn't think his parents were terrible for having hopes for their son.
What made me stop and think was how much those expectations seemed to matter to him.
When it came down to it, would Ivan choose what he wanted... or what everyone else wanted for him?
And that's where Influenced Ivan started making a whole lot more sense.
I didn't know the answer.
And honestly?
I don't think he did either.
Maybe We Were in Different Seasons
Ivan was younger than me.
He had just returned from his mission. This was his first girlfriend. First relationship. First kiss.
He was really just beginning his dating journey.
I was a little farther into mine.
I'd already had experiences that made me think more seriously about communication, compatibility, boundaries, and what I wanted.
That doesn't mean two people in different seasons can never work.
But it gave me another question:
Are we learning and growing together... or am I going to feel like I'm a few steps ahead the whole time?
Eventually, Summer Started Running Out
Here's the thing.
None of those little observations had made me want to immediately end the relationship.
I still liked him.
I was still attracted to him.
We still had good moments together.
But now I had more information than I'd had when we first kissed during Hercules.
And my flight back to Ohio was getting closer.
We'd been avoiding the obvious question for weeks.
Eventually, though, we couldn't avoid it anymore.
What were we going to do about us?
Long-distance?
Break up?
Stay friends?
We finally decided it was time for another DTR.
And I thought I was prepared for that conversation.
I wasn't.
I went into our final DTR expecting an honest conversation about whether we should keep dating.
I wasn't expecting one sentence to keep me awake all night.
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