I had a boyfriend.
A real boyfriend.
After all the dating frustration, wondering why things never seemed to go anywhere, and watching probably one too many K-dramas...someone had chosen me, and I had chosen him.
And I was excited.
But becoming boyfriend and girlfriend didn't magically answer all the questions I had been carrying.
If anything, it gave me the opportunity to finally start answering them.
Okay...Now What?
When Fantasy Fred and I became official, my parents encouraged us not to get ahead of ourselves.
Their advice was pretty simple:
Just get to know each other.
Not Is this the person you're going to marry?
Not Where is this going?
Just...
Who is this person?
And who are you when you're with them?
That turned out to be very good advice, because as Fantasy Fred and I continued dating, I started seeing things I hadn't been able to see during those first exciting dates.
Not necessarily giant flashing red flags.
Sometimes they were simply differences.
Differences in our backgrounds.
Our personalities.
Our expectations.
Our stages of life.
And some were things I had already identified as important to me—but had been trying really hard not to make too important because...
well...
I really liked him.
And that made things complicated.
Apparently, We Needed Homework 😂
During our relationship, we were encouraged to read a couple of dating books together, including How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk and Date or Soul Mate?
Romantic, right?
Nothing says new relationship quite like:
“Here, let's read a book analyzing whether we should actually be together.” 😂
But honestly?
Those books ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to me.
Fantasy Fred and I started having some really good conversations because of them.
We talked about relationships, values, family, expectations, marriage, faith, and what we each wanted our futures to look like.
And one of the books had questions designed to help you think more deeply about yourself and the person you're dating.
Fantasy Fred started asking me some of them.
At first, I tried my best to answer.
And then I realized...
I didn't know.
There were questions about what I wanted, what mattered most to me, what kind of relationship I hoped to have, and how experiences from my life had shaped me.
Some of them I could answer.
Others made me sit there thinking:
Shouldn't I know this about myself?
That realization was uncomfortable.
I had spent so much time thinking about whether a guy would choose me that I hadn't spent nearly enough time asking:
Who am I choosing?
And even more importantly...
Who am I?
I Still Had a Lot to Learn About Me
Fantasy Fred was eight years older than me, but during the relationship I began realizing that the number itself wasn't really the biggest issue.
We were simply in different stages of life.
He had lived more life than I had.
He had experiences I hadn't had yet.
He was ready for marriage in a way that I simply wasn't.
And I was still learning.
A lot.
I was learning how to communicate in a relationship.
How to recognize my needs.
How to set boundaries.
How to understand my dealbreakers instead of just writing them down somewhere and then conveniently negotiating them when I really liked someone. 😬
I was even learning how my own family and childhood had shaped what I expected a relationship and marriage to look like.
Fantasy Fred came from a different family dynamic than I did. There were experiences in his life that I could listen to and have compassion for, but that I would never fully understand because I hadn't lived them.
We also connected differently intellectually. He was very academically minded and could understand certain things quickly, while I've always needed a little more time for some things to click. Once they click, I'm good—but sometimes my brain likes to take the scenic route getting there. 😂
Even some of our interests didn't connect quite the way I imagined they would.
He could play the piano beautifully.
I loved to sing.
Perfect combination, right?
Except...
he didn't particularly like listening to me sing.
So much for our future musical duet. 😂
None of those things individually meant, This relationship is doomed.
But together, they were helping me see something bigger.
Compatibility is made up of a lot of little things.
And liking someone doesn't automatically make those differences disappear.
The Questions Kept Getting Bigger
The longer we dated, the more I found myself thinking about why I was staying in the relationship.
And there were plenty of reasons.
I liked him.
He cared about me.
We had fun together.
He made me feel seen.
We could have meaningful conversations.
There were things about him I genuinely admired.
But underneath all of that, I kept running into the same question:
Are we actually right for each other?
Not:
Can I make this work?
Not:
Can I justify this difference?
Not even:
Do I like him enough?
But...
Are we compatible in the things that matter most to both of us?
Eventually, Fantasy Fred and I had a very vulnerable conversation about his non-negotiables and dealbreakers.
And afterward, I went home confused.
Again.
Except this time, the confusion felt heavier.
It wasn't one awkward handhold.
It wasn't me wondering whether I should have felt butterflies.
It wasn't some K-drama expectation I could laugh off.
There were real differences between us.
And the next morning, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach.
Something felt wrong.
I didn't know exactly what to do with everything I was feeling, but I knew what I needed to do first.
I needed to talk to God.
So I Went to the Temple
For me, one of the places where I feel closest to heaven is the temple.
So I got in the car and drove an hour.
My mom was kind enough to come with me, and we sat on the temple grounds together.
And I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father.
All of it.
The confusion.
The things I loved about Fantasy Fred.
The things that worried me.
The questions.
The fear of making the wrong choice.
The fear of hurting someone I genuinely cared about.
And probably the part of me that desperately wanted this relationship to work simply because I was so happy to finally have one.
I didn't want to walk away from something good just because it wasn't perfect.
But I also didn't want to hold onto something simply because I was afraid I wouldn't find something else.
So I prayed.
And somewhere in all of that emotion, the noise in my head finally became quiet.
I felt calm.
And then I felt an answer that, for me, was very clear:
Fantasy Fred was not the man Heavenly Father was preparing for me.
That didn't make Fantasy Fred a bad man.
It didn't make our relationship a mistake.
And it didn't erase the very real feelings I had for him.
It simply meant I knew I couldn't continue the relationship.
And honestly?
Knowing what I needed to do didn't make doing it any easier.
The Breakup
I asked Fantasy Fred for a little space while I processed everything.
I think he probably knew what was coming.
Eventually, he came over and we talked.
I shared what had been on my heart.
He shared what had been on his.
And interestingly, we had both started arriving at a similar conclusion from different directions.
Some of the things that were dealbreakers for me mattered to him too. He could see that if those things were truly important to me, then maybe I wasn't the right person for him either.
That didn't make the conversation painless.
It was hard.
Emotional.
Exhausting.
Because sometimes relationships don't end because somebody did something horrible.
Sometimes two people can care about each other...
and still realize they shouldn't build a life together.
So we ended our relationship.
There wasn't a villain.
There wasn't some dramatic K-drama betrayal.
No one stood in the rain while a heartbreaking soundtrack played in the background.
Although, considering how this whole thing started, it would have been thematically appropriate. 😂
Instead, we left with gratitude for what we had shared and genuinely wishing each other the best.
And just like that...
my first relationship was over.
Fantasy Fred Became Something I Didn't Expect
When I first met Fantasy Fred, I thought maybe I was finally getting my romantic story.
Cute guy.
K-dramas.
Dance card.
Intentional pursuit.
“I want to court you.”
Come on.
The material practically wrote itself. 😂
But Fantasy Fred didn't end up being my K-drama ending.
He became something else.
One of my biggest dating teachers.
That relationship taught me that someone can be a good person and still not be the right person for me.
It taught me that attraction, connection, vulnerability, and even genuinely liking someone aren't the same thing as compatibility.
It taught me that dealbreakers don't do much good if I only believe in them until someone I really like comes along.
But maybe most importantly, Fantasy Fred showed me how much I still needed to learn about myself.
I entered that relationship asking a lot of questions about him.
Was he someone I could trust?
Did we have enough in common?
Could I see myself with him?
But I came out of it asking different questions.
What do I value?
What kind of marriage do I want?
What do I need in a relationship?
Which differences can I happily live with, and which ones really matter to me?
And am I grounded enough in who I am that I can choose someone because they're truly compatible with me—not simply because I'm excited that they chose me?
I didn't have all those answers yet.
Honestly, I'm still learning some of them.
But I knew a lot more than I did when a cute guy walked into my Luau and told me he watched K-dramas.
And maybe that was the real love story I needed from Fantasy Fred.
Not learning how to find the guy.
But starting to learn how to know myself.
The relationship was over. But there were still a few things Fantasy Fred's story had left to teach me.
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