By this point, Fantasy Fred and I were talking a lot.
We had taken things pretty slowly, we were still trying to be intentional, and we had talked openly about boundaries and expectations. On paper, I felt like we were doing a lot of things right.
And yet...
the more I liked him, the harder it became to pretend this was still just casual.
I was getting attached.
And I think I knew it.
The Two-Week Test
Not long after that, I left on a two-week trip.
And apparently, distance did not help my feelings calm down. 😂
We stayed in contact the whole time. I sent him updates, stories, little things that happened during the day, and he was always there to listen.
It was fun.
He made me feel seen. He made me feel like the things I had to say mattered. And when you already like someone, feeling understood by them can make those feelings grow really fast.
By the time I came home, I was thinking about him a lot.
So when we talked about where things were going, I have to admit...
I was the one who pushed things forward.
Nothing dramatic.
For me, the next step was holding hands.
I was—and still am—pretty intentional about physical affection, especially kissing. But I had become so curious about what it would feel like to hold his hand.
Would I feel butterflies?
Would everything suddenly click?
Would it feel like all those romantic movies had promised me it would?
Apparently, I had put a lot of pressure on one innocent handhold. 😂
Fantasy Fred was excited that I was ready to move things forward too.
So one evening, after grabbing some food, we went for a walk in the park while the sun was setting.
Very romantic.
Very movie-scene.
Very this is the moment.
And then he asked if he could hold my hand.
I said yes.
And...
nothing.
No sparks.
No butterflies.
No dramatic soundtrack suddenly playing in my head.
Just...
bleh.
I remember being genuinely confused.
This was a guy I liked. A lot.
So why didn't holding his hand feel the way I thought it was supposed to?
But Isn't It Supposed to Feel...Right?
I immediately started trying to explain it away.
Maybe I was overthinking it.
Maybe it had just been a while since I'd held someone's hand.
Maybe real life wasn't supposed to feel like a movie.
Which, to be fair, is probably a very healthy realization. 😂
And as we kept walking, the initial awkwardness faded. I started enjoying it more.
Because honestly, there is something nice about holding someone's hand.
There's closeness in it. Security. A feeling of being chosen and connected.
So I told myself everything was probably fine.
But somewhere underneath all that excitement, that first little feeling of this doesn't quite feel right stayed with me.
Then we tried cuddling.
And again...
bleh.
Not bad.
Not scary.
Just...off.
And that bothered me even more.
Growing up, I had heard those romantic stories about how when you meet the right person, everything just fits. Their hand fits perfectly in yours. Being close feels natural. You just know.
And apparently, I had absorbed a lot more of that than I realized.
So now my brain was spiraling.
If this is the right person, shouldn't this feel different?
If I really like him, shouldn't I want this more?
Does this mean I'm not actually attracted to him?
Does this mean something is wrong?
I didn't really understand what I was feeling yet.
I just knew I was thinking about it way too much.
“I Think You Like Me More Than I Like You.”
To my credit, I didn't want to silently stew over it forever.
So I decided to be honest with him.
Unfortunately...
I probably could have chosen my words better. 😬
I told him:
“I think you like me more than I like you.”
Oof.
Even now I'm like...
Alaina.
Maybe workshop that sentence first. 😂
What I was trying to explain was that I cared about him, but I was confused by how the physical side of things felt. Holding hands hadn't given me the reaction I expected. Cuddling felt strange. And I was worried those feelings were trying to tell me something.
But honestly, I don't think he fully understood what I meant.
And I don't think I fully understood what I meant either.
I just knew something felt unsettled.
So I told him I thought we should end things.
And that hurt him.
It hurt me too.
I went home crying.
And instead of feeling relieved, I felt awful.
That confused me even more.
Because if ending it was the right choice...
why did I feel so bad?
Wait...Did I Just Make a Mistake?
For the next couple of days, I wrestled with it.
Was I ending something good because it didn't match some romantic expectation I had built in my head?
Was I overthinking the whole thing?
Had I convinced myself that if holding someone's hand didn't produce instant fireworks, then the relationship must be wrong?
Or was that uneasy feeling actually trying to tell me something?
At the time, I couldn't separate any of it.
I just knew I liked him.
And I wasn't ready to let the possibility of us go.
So two days later, I asked if we could meet.
We talked about what had happened, how we were both feeling, and what we wanted.
And in that moment, I made a very deliberate choice.
I chose what Alaina wanted.
And Alaina wanted to try.
I wanted to know what would happen if I stopped standing halfway in and halfway out.
I wanted to give the relationship a real chance.
So I told him that.
And just like that...
we became official.
Exclusive.
Boyfriend and girlfriend.
I HAD A BOYFRIEND.
For the first time in my life, I could actually say:
“My boyfriend...”
And yes, I absolutely enjoyed saying it. 😂
I was excited.
He was excited.
And after so much dating discouragement, being wanted by someone I genuinely cared about felt really, really good.
At that moment, I wasn't thinking about all the questions I had been asking myself.
I was thinking:
Maybe this is it.
Maybe I just needed to stop overthinking.
Maybe now that we're actually together, things will make more sense.
And in some ways, they did.
Because once we became boyfriend and girlfriend, I started learning things I never could have learned from just going on dates.
About him.
About relationships.
And, maybe most importantly...
about myself.
Becoming official answered one question. It also gave me a whole new set of things to figure out.
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