If I'm going to tell you my dating stories, I think I also need to tell you where some of my dating struggles actually started.
And honestly... they started a lot earlier than I realized.
Let's Go Back to 16-Year-Old Alaina
According to my parents, 16 was the magical age when I was officially allowed to date. And I was SO excited.
I watched my friends start going on dates and listened to all their stories—the guys they liked, the fun things they did, the cute conversations, and sometimes even the goodnight kiss.
They made dating sound SO exciting. And I couldn't wait for it to be my turn.
I remember turning 16 thinking, Okay...let's do this. Where are all the boys?
Except...
Nobody came.
Months went by. No boys knocking on my door. No guy approaching me at school. No cute Instagram message. No secret admirer dramatically confessing his love in the hallway.
Nothing.
At first, I didn't think too much about it. I was still 16. I figured eventually it would happen.
My First Little Relationship
There was one exception.
When I was 17, I had what I would consider my first mini high school relationship. It wasn't exactly serious—we were teenagers, after all—but according to our parents, we were definitely dating.
It was my first little taste of, Oh...so THIS is what it's like to actually have a boyfriend.
I learned what I liked. I learned what I didn't like. And I learned that actually being in a relationship is VERY different from imagining what being in one will be like.
Teenage Alaina still had a lot to learn.
That relationship deserves its own story, but let's just say... that's where my dating journey really started.
Then Everything Seemed to Stop
After that, my dating life seemed to hit the brakes.
Then the brakes would randomly come off. Then they'd go right back on.
One date every blue moon.
Seriously.
I'd go on a date and think, Okay! Maybe things are finally changing!
And then... nothing.
Months would go by. Sometimes longer.
I started watching other people move forward in their dating lives while mine seemed stuck in some weird holding pattern.
At first, I tried not to let it bother me.
But eventually, little thoughts started creeping in.
“Why is nobody interested in me?”
“What's wrong with me?”
“Am I not pretty enough?”
“Am I not fun enough?”
“Am I just not someone guys want to date?”
And eventually, one thought seemed to stick more than the others.
“Guys just aren't interested in me.”
The frustrating part was that I didn't completely believe it.
But when you think something over and over again, and life keeps giving you what feels like evidence to support it, it's really hard not to start believing it.
When a Thought Starts Becoming a Belief
You try to fight the thought. Then something happens that seems to confirm it. Then it happens again. And again.
Eventually, it isn't just something you think.
It starts becoming something you believe.
And that happened to me.
I started viewing myself differently. My confidence took a hit. I started developing unhealthy mindsets about dating, guys, and honestly...myself.
I also became much more shy and timid around guys. Somewhere along the way, I even developed a little bit of fear around them.
Which is kind of ironic when the whole thing I wanted was for a guy to actually be interested in me.
It's hard to date when one part of you is thinking, “Please like me,” while another part is thinking, “Please don't talk to me.”
Not exactly the best dating strategy.
But I didn't understand that at the time. I just knew I wanted to be wanted.
I wanted someone to think I was pretty. I wanted someone to be excited to see me. I wanted someone to choose me.
And when that wasn't happening, I started wondering if maybe I wasn't someone worth choosing.
Looking back now, that breaks my heart a little.
What I Wish I Could Tell Her
I wish I could go back and sit next to that 16-year-old girl.
I wish I could help her separate what was happening from what she thought it meant about her.
Not being asked out didn't mean she wasn't pretty.
It didn't mean she wasn't fun. It didn't mean she wasn't smart. And it definitely didn't mean she wasn't lovable.
It simply meant... she wasn't being asked out.
That's it.
But 16-year-old me didn't know how to make that distinction yet.
Maybe After My Mission...
That pattern continued for years.
Then I served a nine-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Somewhere in the middle of that experience, I started thinking differently about dating.
I wasn't just a teenager hoping some cute guy would ask me out anymore. I was getting older, learning more about myself, and becoming more serious about what I wanted in life—the kind of man I hoped to marry and the family I wanted to build someday.
So naturally, I started thinking, Maybe after my mission things will be different.
I had served a mission. I was older. I was more mature. And I was actually open to a relationship that could eventually lead to marriage.
Surely that would change things, right?
Right?!
Well... not exactly.
I came home expecting the dating world to suddenly open up.
Instead...crickets.
Again.
One date here. One date there. Nothing really going anywhere.
And that's when I started wondering if maybe this was just going to be my life.
I even started entertaining the very dramatic possibility that maybe I'd become the crazy cat lady with cats instead of a husband.
Slightly dramatic? Probably.
But at the time, it felt very possible.
And Then Came Fantasy Fred
Yep. You read that right, Fantasy Fred.
I cannot tell you that story in one paragraph because that man absolutely deserves his own post (Read Here).
Let's just say he became my first real boyfriend after my mission and opened up a whole new chapter of my dating life.
And that relationship taught me A LOT.
Some good things. Some hard things. Some things I didn't realize I was learning until much later.
And some things that, looking back now, make me think...
Girl.
WHAT. WERE. YOU. DOING?
But we'll get to him later.
The Real Root of It
Looking back now, I think I understand the root of my dating struggle a little better.
It wasn't simply that I wasn't getting very many dates.
It was that somewhere along the way, I started allowing my dating experiences to define my worth.
A guy didn't ask me out, so maybe I wasn't pretty enough.
Nothing came from a date, so maybe I wasn't interesting enough.
Someone wasn't interested, so maybe I wasn't someone worth choosing.
Slowly, those experiences started becoming evidence for a story I was telling myself about me.
And it took me years to realize that my lack of dates didn't actually say anything about my worth. It didn't mean I wasn't pretty enough, fun enough, interesting enough, or lovable enough.
It was simply... my dating experience at that point in my life.
That's a distinction that took me a long time to learn.
Thoughts are powerful.
Especially the ones we've repeated to ourselves for years. Learning to recognize them—and slowly change them—can take a lot of effort, patience, and practice.
What I'm Learning Now
Thankfully, I'm not the same girl I was eight years ago.
I've learned a lot about confidence, relationships, dating, and probably most importantly... the way I talk to myself.
I still have moments where dating gets discouraging. I still overthink things. I still have days where rejection hurts more than I'd like it to.
I'm definitely still figuring this out.
But I'm learning not to turn every disappointing dating experience into evidence about my worth.
A guy not asking me out doesn't mean I'm undesirable.
A relationship ending doesn't mean I'm unlovable.
Someone not choosing me doesn't mean I'm not worth choosing.
Sometimes it simply means...
It wasn't my person.
And I really wish 16-year-old Alaina had known that.
Have you ever believed something about yourself because of dating?
Have you ever gone through a season where your dating experiences made you believe something about yourself that you later realized wasn't actually true?
I'd love to hear your story. ❤️
Sometimes the story we tell ourselves in the middle of something isn't the story we believe once we've had time to grow and heal.
I'm still rewriting some of mine.
And with eight years of dating stories—including Fantasy Fred—I've got a feeling we're going to be talking about a few of them.
So come along for the journey. ❤️
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