Have you ever spent SO much time with someone that everyone around you probably assumed you were dating...
...except you weren't actually sure if you were dating?
You're talking all the time. Watching movies. Doing homework together. Going on walks. Maybe even going on the occasional actual date.
But nobody has really said what you're doing.
Are we dating?
Are we hanging out?
Are we talking?
WHAT ARE WE?!
Welcome to one of the great mysteries of modern dating.
And thanks to Stalled-Out Stewart, I got a front-row seat.
Wait...Are We Dating?
When Stewart and I first started getting to know each other, we spent quite a bit of time together.
We'd do homework, go on walks, take pictures because we both loved photography, have movie nights with friends, talk, and just...be around each other.
And I liked it.
I mean, I LOVE a good movie night. Give me a blanket, snacks, and a good movie, and I'm pretty easy to entertain.
So I'm not going to pretend I was somehow above the hanging-out life.
I was absolutely participating.
But eventually, I started noticing something.
We were spending a LOT of time together...
but were we actually getting to know each other?
Because I was beginning to realize there was a difference.
Hanging out can be: “Hey, what are you doing tonight?”
Dating feels more like: “I want to spend time with you, so let's actually plan something.”
The biggest difference isn't necessarily the activity. It's the intention behind it.
Somewhere along the way, Stewart and I had gotten really comfortable doing what was easy.
Homework. Movies. Walks. Hanging out. Repeat.
There was nothing wrong with any of those things. Some of my favorite dating memories have come from really simple moments.
But I started wondering:
Were we comfortable...or were we actually growing closer?
Time Together Isn't Always Connection
Looking back, I think I had started confusing time spent together with connection.
And those aren't always the same thing.
You can spend hours sitting beside someone and still not really know them.
You can watch an entire season of a show together and somehow know more about the fictional characters' relationship than you know about the person sitting next to you.
Which...
probably isn't the relationship goal.
And I'll own my part in this too.
We were broke college students. Our schedules were crazy. Neither of us had unlimited money for elaborate dates every weekend.
But eventually, I realized something I wish I'd understood much sooner:
Intentional dating doesn't have to be expensive.
A walk can be a date. A free campus event can be a date. Playing a game can be a date. Trying somewhere neither of you has been can be a date. Sitting together with a list of ridiculous questions and actually talking can be a date.
You don't need a reservation at a five-star restaurant.
You need intention.
Because the point isn't really what you're doing.
It's what the experience gives you a chance to learn about each other.
What Am I Actually Learning About You?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that actually doing things together gave me information I wasn't necessarily getting from another movie night.
How does he handle losing at a game?
What happens when plans change?
Can we laugh when something goes completely wrong?
Does he listen when I talk?
Does he ask questions?
How does he treat other people?
Can we disagree without it becoming a disaster?
And a very important question:
Can we have fun together when Netflix isn't sitting three feet away doing all the entertaining for us?
Because eventually, if I'm considering building a life with someone, I need to know more than whether we both like the same movies.
Apparently, There's Research Behind This
This is where I started wondering if maybe I wasn't completely crazy for thinking we needed to actually DO things together.
Relationship researchers have studied something called self-expansion.
In very simple Alaina terms, it's the idea that new experiences can help us grow by exposing us to new perspectives, experiences, skills, and ways of seeing ourselves.
And when couples do some of those things together, that can matter for the relationship too.
The short version:
Research by Arthur Aron and his colleagues found that couples who shared novel and exciting activities reported improvements in experienced relationship quality compared with couples completing more ordinary activities.
A later study focused specifically on date nights and found that more exciting dates could create greater opportunities for self-expansion, which was associated with greater feelings of closeness afterward.
So apparently...
maybe there really IS something to getting off the couch.
Now, does this mean every date needs to involve skydiving, a spontaneous road trip, or something worthy of a reality TV episode?
Absolutely not.
Please don't make me go skydiving just because I'm trying to have a healthy relationship.
“New” doesn't have to mean crazy.
It could mean trying a restaurant neither of you has been to. Learning a game together. Going dancing. Exploring somewhere new. Trying a new recipe. Going to a free event. Or simply doing something slightly outside your normal routine.
The point isn't to constantly entertain each other.
It's to create opportunities to experience each other.
Dating isn't only about how much time you're spending together. It's also about what you're learning about each other during that time.
The Question I Wasn't Asking
Looking back at Stewart, I don't think either of us was intentionally doing anything wrong.
We were young. We were college students. We were figuring dating out.
And I was learning too.
I had spent so much time asking myself:
“Does he like me?”
But eventually, I realized I was forgetting a much more important question:
“Do I like how WE are together?”
That changed something for me.
Because dating isn't only about being chosen.
I'm choosing too.
I'm trying to discover whether I enjoy who I am around this person. Whether we communicate well. Whether our personalities work together. Whether we can grow together. Whether this is actually someone I want beside me while I'm experiencing life.
That's VERY different from simply wondering whether a guy likes me.
Comfortable Isn't Always Connected
The older I've gotten, the more I've realized that I don't want to simply sit beside someone through life.
I want to experience life with them.
I want the adventures and the meaningful conversations. The ridiculous memories. The moments where things don't go according to plan and we figure them out together.
And yes...
I also absolutely want to sit on the couch, eat snacks, cuddle, and watch a movie sometimes.
Let's not get crazy.
I want both.
The quiet and the adventure. The comfortable and the curious. The familiar and the new.
And I want someone who occasionally says, “Hey, let's go do something.”
Just as importantly, I want to be the person who says it too.
Because one of the biggest things Stalled-Out Stewart taught me wasn't really about Stewart.
It was about me.
I had to learn the difference between someone simply being around me and someone intentionally dating me.
I had to learn that spending more time together didn't automatically mean we were building a deeper relationship.
And I had to stop measuring a potential relationship only by:
Does he like me?
And start asking:
Do I like him?
Do I like us?
And are we actually getting to know each other?
So when I look back at all those college movie nights, homework sessions, walks, and random hangouts, I don't regret them.
I was learning.
And one distinction from that season has really stuck with me:
Comfortable isn't always the same thing as connected.
So...Are You Hanging Out or Dating?
I don't think the answer always comes down to how fancy the plans are.
A walk can be intentional. A movie can be intentional. A cheap college date can be intentional.
And a really elaborate night can still tell you almost nothing about each other.
So if you're in that weird gray area wondering, “What are we?”
Maybe ask another question too:
What are we actually building?
Are we intentionally learning about each other? Are we moving toward greater clarity? Are we creating opportunities for connection?
Or are we simply spending a lot of time in the same room?
Because maybe the difference between hanging out and dating isn't always about the activity.
Maybe it's about the intention behind it.
What do you think?
When does hanging out start feeling like dating to you?
And have you ever spent a ton of time with someone only to realize you still didn't really know where the relationship was going?
As for Stalled-Out Stewart?
Well...
This was only one of the lessons that little Dating Detour taught me.
College Alaina still had plenty left to learn.
And trust me...
she was going to get LOTS of practice.
Want to Nerd Out With Me? 🤓
Yes, I occasionally bring relationship research into my dating stories.
Apparently, this is who I am now.
If you want to read the research behind the self-expansion section, these are the two studies I referenced:
Arthur Aron, Christina Norman, Elaine Aron, Colin McKenna, and Richard Heyman
Couples' Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship Quality (2000).
The study examined couples' shared participation in novel and exciting activities and experienced relationship quality.
View the DOI →
Read the Aron et al. study on PubMed →
Cheryl Harasymchuk, Deanna Walker, Amy Muise, and Emily Impett
Planning Date Nights That Promote Closeness: The Roles of Relationship Goals and Self-Expansion (2021).
The research examined date planning, exciting activities, self-expansion, and feelings of closeness.
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