Have you ever met someone and thought, “Wait...maybe THIS is the guy?”
You know the feeling. The excitement. The curiosity. The little what if?
For me, that person was a cute red-haired guy who had just returned from a mission.
Somehow, what started as a blind date and a conversation about red-haired babies turned into one of the most complicated summer relationships I've had—and one that taught me lessons I didn't even realize I needed to learn.
So... meet Influenced Ivan.
It Started With Red-Haired Babies
But before I explain the nickname, let's start at the beginning.
One night, my roommate and I were talking about how adorable red-haired babies are.
You know...normal college-girl conversations.
The next day, she came bursting through the door like she'd struck gold.
“Alaina! I saw a SUPER attractive guy—and he has red hair!”
Well... of course I was intrigued.
Before I knew it, she'd arranged a group date. We decided to have a cooking competition where each couple had to make fried rice and pie.
Yes. Fried rice and pie.
I'm still not entirely sure how those foods ended up together, but apparently college students are allowed to make important culinary decisions without adult supervision.
And honestly? It was so much fun.
Ivan was kind, respectful, and surprisingly easy to talk to.
We talked about values, goals, and our experiences serving missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
There was something really nice about talking to someone who understood that experience without needing a long explanation.
I remember thinking, Wow...I really like talking to this guy.
By the end of the night, I was hopeful.
Maybe this could actually go somewhere.
And Then...Nothing
At the end of the date, I thanked him.
His response?
“Yeah, see you!”
And that was it.
Wait... what?
I walked back to my dorm wondering whether I'd completely misread the evening.
Maybe he wasn't interested. Maybe I'd imagined the connection.
So I did what I thought was the mature thing: I moved on.
One week passed. Then another.
At that point, I'd pretty much accepted that my little red-haired love story had ended after one cooking competition and some fried rice.
But then...
he called.
Coincidentally, on my birthday.
And he asked me out again.
Well. Okay, Ivan. You have my attention.
Things Started Moving Pretty Quickly
I invited him to my birthday party, where he brought me flowers and we started sitting a little closer than just friends. 👀
After that, we began spending more time together.
We did homework. Watched movies. Went on walks. Talked. Hung out.
And I genuinely wanted to know him better.
Who was he? What did he value? What did he want? What kind of person was he becoming?
Then one night, as we were saying goodbye, he completely caught me off guard.
He asked if he could kiss me.
I froze.
I wasn't even sure how I felt yet, and it had been a while since I'd kissed someone.
So naturally, I said:
“Umm...it's been a while.” 😅
He laughed and said, “Yeah, same here. I just got back from my mission!”
And that's when another piece clicked into place.
This wasn't just his first post-mission relationship.
It was his first relationship. His first girlfriend. His first kiss. His first real experience with dating.
At first, part of me thought that sounded kind of romantic.
Aww...how sweet. I get to be his first.
But there was another thought underneath that one:
Do I even know this guy well enough to kiss him?
The RAM Model Was Already in My Head
Around that time, I'd been trying to follow something called the Relationship Attachment Model, or RAM.
Basically, don't let one part of the relationship race way ahead of everything else.
And at that point?
I barely knew him.
So I said no.
Partly because I was nervous. Partly because I wasn't sure how I felt. And partly because I was leaving in just a few weeks.
Did I really want to start something that already had an expiration date?
Except after he left...
I climbed into bed and couldn't stop thinking about him.
Maybe I did want him to kiss me. Maybe I wanted to know what it would feel like between us.
And apparently, that was enough for my brain to begin negotiating with itself.
So I invited him over for a movie night.
And I knew.
I mean... I KNEW.
If he asked again, I probably wasn't going to say no.
We were watching Hercules when eventually the moment came.
He leaned over and asked:
“Can I kiss you?”
This time, I was ready.
And it was good.
Really good...
Know → Kiss → Relationship
That kiss changed something.
Suddenly, we weren't just hanging out.
Now we were wondering: What are we?
After the movie, we went on a midnight walk and tried to talk about it.
There may have been more kissing. There was definitely hand-holding.
But even by the end of the walk, we still hadn't really decided what we wanted.
I was about to walk into my apartment when he stopped me.
“Wait...what if we tried dating?”
I reminded him that I would be leaving soon.
He still asked if I would be his girlfriend.
And I was so caught up in the moment.
I was excited.
Finally, someone had asked me to be his girlfriend.
Someone wanted to date me.
I was on cloud nine.
Although...
we had skipped a LOT of steps.
Basically: Know → Kiss → Relationship.
Not exactly the RAM Model.
We both knew I was moving back to Ohio at the end of the summer.
In some ways, we treated it like a summer relationship with a built-in ending.
Except...
the feelings didn't exactly follow the schedule.
And Then There Was the Attraction
Oh boy.
Ivan was about 6'5", muscular, and there was something about being around him that made me feel small in the sweetest way.
I loved when he put his arms around me. I loved being close to him. I loved the way he held me.
There was something about him that brought out a softer, more romantic side of me.
And I noticed it.
I really noticed it.
One night, we were saying goodbye and I expected our normal little “Okay, see you later” moment.
Instead, he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me.
And my heart basically went:
Oh...hello.
I remember that moment because it made me feel wanted.
After spending so much of my dating life wondering whether guys were interested in me, there was something incredibly powerful about having a guy I liked look at me that way.
I felt beautiful. Feminine. Chosen.
And honestly...
that feeling was powerful.
Maybe a little too powerful.
Because I was beginning to confuse physical chemistry with emotional connection.
At the time, though?
I was mostly just enjoying the butterflies.
Then I Started Collecting Information
I knew we'd moved quickly, so I became determined to actually get to know Influenced Ivan.
I asked questions.
Lots of questions.
What did he believe? What did he value? What did he want his future to look like? How did he communicate? What was he passionate about?
And the more I learned, the more I started noticing little things.
Nothing screamed: RUN.
These weren't giant red flags waving in my face.
They were smaller.
Little moments that made me think:
Hmm...interesting.
The Shoes
Ivan wasn't someone who cared about having the nicest clothes or newest things.
At first, I actually liked that.
I thought: Okay, he's not materialistic.
And I still think that can be a really good quality.
But then I started noticing another side of it.
Ivan would wear shoes until they were literally falling apart.
And I don't mean slightly worn.
He was holding them together with duct tape.
When I mentioned getting new ones, he seemed offended that I'd brought it up.
Eventually, his mom bought him another pair.
It wasn't just the shoes. He pretty much lived in T-shirts and gym shorts and didn't enjoy dressing up.
None of that automatically made him wrong for me.
But it made me wonder where the line was between not being materialistic and simply not putting much effort into how you presented yourself or took care of what you owned.
And that was one of the first times I started learning to ask:
What does this little thing tell me about the bigger picture?
Not every observation is a deal breaker. Sometimes it's just information.
The Competitiveness
Then there was his competitiveness.
Ivan was extremely competitive.
At first, that could be fun.
I can be competitive too.
But sometimes it seemed like winning mattered a little more to him than I expected.
And again, I wasn't thinking: Relationship over.
I was starting to realize dating wasn't only about asking:
Do I like him?
Am I attracted to him?
Do we have fun?
It was also about watching how someone handled losing, frustration, disappointment, and not getting his way.
So into the mental folder it went.
Hmm...interesting.
The Three-Hour Car Ride
Then came another clue.
I invited him to be my date to a wedding.
Which meant we had a three-hour drive together.
Three hours.
In a car.
Just the two of us.
And...
crickets.
It was awkward.
Really awkward.
I remember thinking:
How can I cuddle and kiss this man and feel so connected physically... but now we're sitting in a car together and neither of us knows what to say?
Ivan had told me he was more of a listener.
And that car ride helped me realize:
I need more of a talker.
I like conversation. Questions. Stories. Laughing. Random conversational rabbit holes.
Communication matters a lot to me.
And maybe what I needed wasn't just someone willing to listen.
I wanted someone who could meet me in the conversation.
And Then...Our Hands Didn't Fit
This one sounds ridiculous.
We were walking around holding hands one day and my hand just...
didn't fit.
I know.
Maybe a little cheesy.
But when I was younger, my mom once told me that part of what felt right about my dad was how naturally they seemed to fit together—holding hands, cuddling, being close.
Somewhere along the way, I'd tucked that idea into my brain.
So I remember looking down at our hands and thinking:
Why does this feel awkward?
It wasn't a magical sign from heaven telling me to break up with him.
But it was another little moment where something inside me said:
Pay attention.
I just didn't always know how to do that yet.
And Then I Met the Influence
Somewhere in the middle of our relationship, Ivan told me something that added another layer to everything.
His parents weren't really in favor of him dating me.
Why?
Because I wasn't from Idaho.
His family had been there for generations, and they hoped he'd marry an Idaho girl who would stay close to home.
Like...
two doors down.
I remember thinking: Wow. That's pretty specific.
I didn't think his parents were terrible for having hopes for their son.
What concerned me was something else:
How much influence would everyone else's expectations have on his decisions?
And that's where the nickname Influenced Ivan really began to make sense.
I started wondering:
When it came down to it, would he choose what he wanted... or what everyone else wanted for him?
I didn't know.
And honestly?
I don't think he knew yet either.
We Were in Different Dating Seasons
Ivan was younger than me.
He'd just returned from his mission. This was his first relationship. First girlfriend. First kiss.
He was really just beginning his dating journey.
And I think I was a little farther into mine.
I already had experiences that had made me think more seriously about communication, compatibility, boundaries, and what I wanted in a future relationship.
That doesn't mean two people in different seasons can never work.
But it gave me another question to consider:
Are we learning and growing together... or am I going to feel like I'm a few steps ahead the whole time?
Then Summer Started Running Out
As summer came to an end, all those little things became harder to ignore.
My flight home was getting closer.
And we knew we needed to have a real conversation.
We had procrastinated it for weeks because, frankly, we were enjoying the relationship and neither of us wanted reality crashing in.
But eventually, we sat in the car and had another DTR: Define the Relationship.
This one wasn't about deciding whether we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
It was about whether we should keep being boyfriend and girlfriend.
What was working? What wasn't? Were there concerns? Should we try long-distance? End things? Stay friends?
I went first.
I told him I was concerned about our communication.
I needed more conversation and wasn't sure we naturally connected that way.
He agreed and admitted it was a weakness of his.
Then he looked at me and said:
“That's it?”
Apparently, I'd temporarily misplaced my mental Hmm...interesting folder.
Then it was his turn.
And...
boy, did he throw a few daggers at my heart.
What He Saw in Me
First, he told me he worried that I was too agreeable.
That I was always willing to do whatever he wanted and maybe didn't have strong opinions of my own.
And honestly?
That one made me think.
Because I did have opinions.
I was just very easygoing.
If someone asks, “Pizza or tacos?” I'm usually going to say:
“I don't care. You pick.”
Not because I don't have a personality.
But because... I genuinely don't care.
Still, his comment made me wonder whether I could be better at sharing my preferences and confidently taking up space in a relationship.
That was something I could own.
But then he said something else.
And this one didn't just make me think.
It hurt.
“I also think you thought I enjoyed kissing you more than I did.”
Excuse me?
For a little context, the man kissed pretty dang well for a returned missionary.
So... what exactly did that mean?
At the time, I laughed.
I was confused and didn't really know what else to do with the comment.
By the end of the conversation, we'd decided to stop dating, try to remain friends, and maybe talk again in a couple months.
It sounded mature.
Reasonable.
Like maybe we'd give each other some room and see how we felt later.
He walked me to the door.
I kissed him one last time goodbye as my boyfriend.
And then I went inside.
And Then the Sentence Wouldn't Leave Me Alone
I tried to fall asleep.
But that conversation stayed with me ALL night.
One sentence kept playing over and over:
“I think you thought I enjoyed kissing you more than I did.”
What the HECK did that mean?
By the next morning, I wasn't laughing anymore.
I was angry. Hurt. Confused.
And honestly?
I felt used.
Because I'd told him early in the relationship that kissing was meaningful to me.
I wasn't someone who wanted physical affection to be casual.
To me, it meant trust. Connection. Choosing to give a little more of myself to someone.
And suddenly, I was questioning everything.
Did I give something important to me to the wrong person?
Did I misunderstand the connection?
Did I ignore things I should have paid attention to?
Was I too trusting?
And the timing could not have been worse.
I was flying home in two days.
I Didn't Know How to Face Him
Those next two days were messy.
My emotions were already all over the place, and my period had decided that apparently this was the perfect time to join the party too.
So I did what I knew how to do at the time.
I hid.
There was ice cream. There were K-dramas. And thankfully, there was a really good friend who stayed with me through most of it.
Ivan tried to reach me.
He called. Texted. Even came over once.
I didn't answer.
At the time, part of me felt like I was protecting both of us.
I knew I wasn't in a place where I could have a calm conversation without everything spilling out.
So I avoided it instead.
Then it was time to go home.
And I'd decided:
I wasn't going to say goodbye.
I sat on the plane staring out the window, starting to realize I wasn't just dealing with the end of a summer relationship anymore.
I was dealing with the possibility that the relationship I thought I had been building... wasn't actually what I thought it was.
And That's Where I'm Leaving This One...
Because what happened after I went home became another lesson entirely.
One about heartbreak.
One about communication.
One about healing.
And one about what happens when closure doesn't come the way you expect it to.
Looking back now, there were a lot of things I was learning in this relationship.
I was learning that attraction matters... but attraction isn't the whole relationship.
I was learning that little observations don't always need to become giant red flags... but they probably shouldn't be ignored either.
And maybe most importantly:
Physical chemistry can feel like connection before emotional connection has actually had time to grow.
I didn't fully understand that then.
I was still learning.
And Influenced Ivan gave me plenty to learn from.
Have you ever been there?
Have you ever had a relationship where the chemistry was definitely there...but something underneath it just didn't quite fit?
Or looked back later and realized there were little things you noticed before you understood what they meant?
I'd love to hear your story. ❤️
And as for Influenced Ivan...
we're not quite done with his story yet.
The next part is where I finally had to face what I'd been trying very hard not to feel.
And that lesson?
That one hurt.
What happened after I went home...and the conversation I had been avoiding.
READ PART TWO →
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