Have you ever started dating someone and thought, Okay...I think this might actually be going somewhere.
You're not planning the wedding. You're not naming your future children. You're literally just thinking...
I'd like to keep getting to know this person.
And apparently, even THAT can be enough to make someone slam on the brakes.
Well... meet Stalled-Out Stewart.
I met Stewart through Mutual, an LDS dating app. We had both swiped right on each other, started talking, and then he asked if I wanted to go to an astronomy night.
Now, if you know me, you know that I LOVE astronomy. Outer space, stars, planets, staring up at the night sky...I'm here for all of it.
So when he suggested astronomy night, I remember thinking, Wait...how does this guy already know me?
He didn't. But somehow, he'd managed to pick something that felt very me before he really knew anything about me. I took that as a pretty good sign, and honestly, I was excited.
Maybe this guy was worth getting to know.
Trying to Date a Little Differently
At the time, I had recently read How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk and was trying to actually apply what I'd learned instead of following my previous dating strategy, which was basically:
“He's cute! Let's see where this goes!”
Very sophisticated system, Alaina.
One of the concepts I'd learned about was the Relationship Attachment Model, or RAM, taught by author John Van Epp. The basic idea is that healthy relationships develop in an order:
Know → Trust → Rely → Commit → Touch.
Basically, actually get to know the person before becoming overly emotionally or physically attached to them.
Wild concept, I know.
So this time, I was trying to be intentional. I didn't want to immediately decide whether Stewart was “the guy.” I wanted to create opportunities for us to spend time together and figure out whether I even liked him.
We had game nights, took silly pictures, hung out with friends, and went on casual dates. Nothing intense. Nothing overly romantic. I wasn't planning our wedding.
I was literally just... dating him.
And honestly, I thought things were going pretty well.
After one of our dates, he walked me up to my room on the fourth floor. I remember feeling excited because it seemed like maybe we were actually getting somewhere.
Before he left, I asked if he wanted to keep getting to know each other.
Pretty simple question, right?
Apparently not.
He hesitated and awkwardly asked:
“Like...being boyfriend and girlfriend?”
Ummm...sir.
We are still in the “Do I actually like you?” portion of the program.
I wasn't asking him for a relationship. I reassured him that I wasn't looking for anything exclusive. I simply wanted to keep spending time together and see if there was something worth pursuing.
Slow. Intentional. Getting to know each other.
You know... the actual dating part.
Things seemed okay after that, so we kept going.
Then came pickleball.
The Freddy's Incident
One of my friends knew Stewart and knew I was interested in him, so she decided to help things along by organizing a group date. We went to play pickleball, and honestly, it was SO much fun.
Afterward, my friend and her date were hungry.
And so was I.
So naturally, I suggested Freddy's, one of my favorite burger places.
Because who doesn't like steakburgers and french fries?!
Apparently...
Stewart's wallet.
He explained that he was a broke college student and wanted to skip getting food.
Completely understandable.
I was a broke college student too.
We eventually talked him into coming, but I could tell he was trying to keep things inexpensive. So I suggested we could just split some fries. I could eat my beloved Freddy's fries, and he wouldn't have to spend much money.
Win-win.
Or so I thought.
When we got there, he told me to pick something, so I ordered a burger and planned on paying for my own food.
Then he looked at me and asked:
“Wait...are you paying, or am I paying?”
Before I could even finish saying that I was planning to pay for my own burger, he reluctantly said, “I'll pay.”
I thanked him, but immediately started feeling guilty because I'd ordered more than the fries we'd originally talked about.
Then he ordered his meal.
And by meal, I mean...
a small fry.
So there I sat with my burger and fries while Stewart picked at his tiny little order.
And instead of thinking, Well, that's his choice, my brain immediately went into problem-solving mode.
This poor college boy is going to leave here hungry.
And that's when I had what I thought was a brilliant idea.
I could feed him.
Buddy, I'm Literally Just Trying to Feed You
My aunt was hosting a St. Patrick's Day dinner, and if you've ever eaten my aunt's cooking, you would understand why this was a VERY good offer.
She is an incredible cook.
I figured it was perfect. It would be casual. We'd have a 20-minute drive to talk. There would be good food, family, and knowing my aunt, probably enough leftovers to feed a college student for another three days.
Basically, I thought I was offering him the five-star college-student survival package.
I invited him.
And he said yes.
Great!
Except...then things got weird.
Later that day, Stewart messaged me saying he'd made plans with his brother and asked if he could bring him along.
I told him I'd check with my aunt, although I already knew she'd probably say yes.
So I messaged her.
Before I could even get back to Stewart, another message came through:
“Never mind. Plans changed. I can't come after all.”
Okay...
I was confused.
So I texted him to clarify what was going on.
And that's when Stewart gave me the line that would officially earn him his nickname:
“I'm not looking for anything serious.”
Over text.
Apparently, an invitation to eat free food with my family had sent this man into a relationship crisis.
Meanwhile, I was sitting there thinking:
Buddy, I'm literally just trying to feed you.
I wasn't asking him to be my boyfriend. I wasn't asking him to meet my entire extended family so we could start discussing wedding colors and future children's names.
I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship with him yet.
That's WHY I was spending time with him.
I was trying to figure that part out.
But just like that...
stalled.
And that's where the name came from.
Stalled-Out Stewart
Think about a car.
You get in. You put the key in the ignition. You're ready to see where the road goes. You turn the key...
click-click-click.
Nothing.
You try again.
Still nothing.
The car might look perfectly good sitting in the driveway, but if the engine won't start, you're not going anywhere.
That was the potential relationship with Stewart.
We never even made it out of the driveway.
And I'll admit, at the time, it hurt.
Not because I was in love with him.
I wasn't.
It hurt because I was hopeful.
He had started everything by asking me to an astronomy night—something that felt so perfectly me. We'd had fun together. I thought we were slowly getting to know each other, exactly like I had been trying to do.
For once, I felt like I wasn't rushing ahead. I wasn't deciding after two dates that this could be “the guy.”
I was trying to take my time and actually date.
And somehow...
even that stalled out.
Looking Back...I Dodged a Lemon
Looking back, I'm actually grateful Stewart stalled out when he did.
You could even say...
I dodged a lemon.
And if you're sitting there wondering what in the world a lemon has to do with my dating life, let me explain.
A “lemon” is a car that looks perfectly fine when you buy it, but once you start driving it, you discover problem after problem hiding under the hood. Basically, it looked promising...until you actually got to know the car.
Sound familiar?
Now, I'm not saying Stewart himself was a lemon. I didn't know him well enough to make that judgment.
But the potential relationship?
Yeah...
That engine wasn't going anywhere.
And thankfully, I found that out before I invested a lot more time, energy, and feelings trying to get it started.
Because sometimes a relationship stalling out early isn't the rejection you think it is.
Sometimes it's information arriving right on time.
What Stewart Taught Me
I think that's what Stalled-Out Stewart really taught me: you can create space for a relationship to grow, but you can't make someone else want to explore it with you.
That doesn't necessarily mean you did something wrong.
And it doesn't necessarily mean they did either.
Sometimes two people simply aren't approaching dating from the same place.
I was thinking, Let's keep getting to know each other and see what happens.
He seemed to hear something closer to, We're heading toward a serious relationship.
Those were two very different interpretations of the same situation.
And while I was disappointed, I'm actually grateful Stewart told me where he was before I became more invested.
Because the whole reason I was trying to follow the RAM model was to learn who someone was before my feelings got too far ahead of what the relationship actually was.
And in a weird way...
It worked.
I learned something about Stewart.
I learned something about myself.
And I got information before I'd invested months of my time and emotions into something that wasn't moving.
That's a win—even if it didn't feel like one at the time.
I've also learned that I don't want to spend my dating life trying to push a stalled car down the road.
I want someone who's curious too. Someone who can say, I don't know where this is going yet, but I'd like to keep getting to know you.
Someone willing to take the next few miles with me without needing to know exactly where the road ends.
Because that's really what dating is.
You don't have to know whether someone is your forever person after a few dates.
You just have to decide whether you'd like to take the next step.
Stewart didn't.
And that was my answer.
Stalled-Out Stewart never became a relationship. He didn't make it very far down the road at all.
But he became another Dating Detour that taught me something important:
When someone shows you they don't want to move forward, you don't have to keep trying to start the engine.
You can accept the information.
You can get out of the car.
And you can keep moving forward.
Because one stalled-out relationship doesn't mean your dating journey is over.
It just means that wasn't your ride.
Have you ever had something stall out before it really started?
Maybe you were willing to keep getting to know someone, but they were already backing away before you even knew what the relationship could become.
I'd love to hear your story. ❤️
So I left Stalled-Out Stewart in the driveway and kept moving forward...
because, trust me, there were plenty more Dating Detours waiting down the road.
And apparently...
the next one had a LOT to say. 👀
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