You know the saying, when it rains, it pours?
Well apparently that can apply to your dating life too. 😂
For a while, my dating life had felt pretty quiet. Then all of a sudden, within a short amount of time, I had three different guys come into the picture.
Where had you all been hiding?! 😂
Before I get into Respectful Ryan, you have to understand what had happened right before him because I think that's part of why this experience meant so much to me.
I had already had a couple of guys come into my DMs, start talking to me, and then pretty quickly fizzle out.
Then came Stalled-Out Stewart 2.0.
If you've read that Dating Detour, you know a friend had been telling me about him for months. From everything I knew about him, I thought he was super cute, we had a lot in common, and I was genuinely interested in getting to know him.
So I decided to be brave and asked if he'd want to call sometime.
He actually told me I was bold and confident for asking—which I happily accepted as a compliment 😂—but then explained that because we lived in different states, he wasn't interested in pursuing anything long distance.
And just like that, my little crush on Stalled-Out Stewart 2.0 lasted approximately 27 hours.
That one stung.
I understood where he was coming from. Long distance wasn't something he wanted, and he had every right to decide that.
But I'd had other experiences where distance seemed to change a guy's interest in me, and it was getting harder not to take it personally.
I remember thinking, Seriously? Is no one even going to be willing to get to know me because I live in Ohio?
It felt like a form of rejection.
Not necessarily because Stewart had rejected me—he barely knew me—but because I was excited about the possibility of getting to know someone and wasn't even getting the chance to find out if there was anything there.
And apparently God has a sense of humor with timing because I could not have planned what happened next any better.
That's when Respectful Ryan came into the picture.
The Conference I Wasn't Exactly Excited About...At First 😂
A little background first.
This was not too long after everything that happened with Heartbreak Harvey, and I was still trying to heal and move forward.
My mom had found this YSA conference and encouraged me to go. I think she was really just trying to help me get out of my head a little, go have some fun, be around people my age, and see what the conference was like.
Apparently, I wasn't very interested at first.
And honestly, that checks out. 😂
My heart had just been broken. Going to a conference and meeting a bunch of new people wasn't exactly at the top of my list.
But then I found out where it was.
South Carolina.
Okay...now you have my attention. 😂
Suddenly I was thinking, Wait, we could actually make a trip out of this.
My sister was getting ready to leave for an 18-month mission, so my mom, my sister, and I decided to turn it into a girls' trip. We'd get some time together before she left, I could go to the conference, and we could explore South Carolina while we were there.
And somewhere between I don't really want to go to this conference and Girls' trip to South Carolina?! my attitude changed pretty quickly. 😂
So off to South Carolina we went.
And I'm really glad we did.
By the end of the conference, they held a Sunday service, and I had the opportunity to get up in front of part of the group and share my testimony.
I talked about divine detours and how I've learned that God is so aware of us, even when our lives aren't going the way we thought they would.
Which, looking back, was pretty fitting considering where I was at in my own life.
Heartbreak Harvey definitely hadn't been part of my plan. Neither had going to this conference.
But there I was in South Carolina, sharing what I'd been learning about trusting God through the detours.
It felt really good to share.
And little did I know, while I was up there talking about divine detours, there was a cute red-haired guy listening who was about to become another one of mine.
After the meeting, everyone was heading to one final lunch before packing up and going home. As I was making my way there, that cute red-haired guy stopped me.
He told me he just wanted to say that he really appreciated what I had shared and that he could relate to it.
We talked briefly, and that was it.
I went to lunch. He went wherever he went. And eventually we started our lovely ten-hour drive back to Ohio.
I honestly didn't think that much about our conversation at first.
But ten hours gives you a LOT of time to replay a weekend in your head. 😂
As I thought about the conference, I kept thinking about the cute red-haired guy who had stopped me.
Eventually I thought, You know what? What are the chances he has the conference app and would actually see a message from me?
So I decided to do a little Dropping the Handkerchief.
I found him on the conference app and sent him a message.
Then I waited.
And after about a day, I started feeling slightly embarrassed that my brave little message might just be floating around somewhere in digital space, never to be seen again. 😂
The conference was over anyway, so I deleted the app.
I figured that was that.
It was not.
My 27-Hour Crush Fizzled Out...and Ryan Fizzled In
Right after my little 27-hour crush on Stalled-Out Stewart 2.0 fizzled out, Respectful Ryan fizzled in.
I got an Instagram friend request from him.
I accepted it, and then he messaged me.
He explained that he'd gotten my message on the conference app and decided to respond on Instagram because I was much more likely to actually see it there.
Then he told me he had enjoyed meeting me, thought I had such a positive spirit about me, and would like to get to know me better if I was open to it.
WHAT?!
Could this man be real? 😂
Here was a guy basically saying, Hey, I noticed you. I'm interested. I'd like to get to know you.
I really thought guys who communicated their intentions this clearly might be going extinct, but apparently I had been proven wrong.
So we started messaging and getting to know each other.
And then he surprised me again.
He mentioned that he didn't mind my long messages—and even sent some long ones himself—but said he usually found calling easier.
Excuse me?!
I had just worked up the courage to ask another guy if he'd be willing to call and gotten a no, and now I had a guy voluntarily suggesting it himself.
It felt like instead of getting a taste of my own medicine, I was finally getting a taste of what I'd been asking for. 😂
So I told him that sounded great and that I was actually free to call then.
A few moments later, my phone rang.
Except the caller ID I expected didn't pop up.
FaceTime did.
He was FaceTiming me!
I remember looking at my phone like, Um...okay. I guess we're doing this. 😂
No warning. No checking my hair. No making sure I looked cute before answering.
Thankfully, I was at least in comfy clothes and not already in my pajamas.
I answered, and I remember telling him he was bold.
He basically responded that he was a bold sort of guy.
And honestly, I liked it.
I liked his straightforwardness and confidence. Once we started talking, it was also really nice not having time to plan every response or wonder how something sounded over text.
We were just talking.
Face to face.
And we talked for around two hours.
By the end, he said we should do it again, and I found myself agreeing.
I liked what I had learned so far, and I wanted to learn more.
It had also been a while since I'd talked to someone around my age who felt like he was in a similar season of life. We were both dating, hoping to eventually get married, living with family while working toward goals, and trying to figure life out.
It was just nice talking to someone who seemed to get it.
And Then There Was the Distance Thing...
Of course, there was still one pretty obvious thing we had to talk about.
We lived in different states.
And after what had just happened with Stalled-Out Stewart 2.0, I was definitely curious how Ryan was going to feel about that.
But when the distance came up, his response was completely different.
He'd done long distance before, so he wasn't pretending it would be easy. He talked about how it takes more effort and intention when you can't just casually meet up for a date whenever you want.
But he was still willing to get to know me and see where things went.
At one point he was talking about going boating and said that if I lived closer, he would totally invite me to come with him.
And when we talked about what would happen if we kept talking and actually wanted to go on a date, he basically said he'd be willing to fly out to see me depending on how this whole getting-to-know-each-other thing went.
I remember thinking, Wait...really?
Because this was literally right after I had been sitting there wondering if no guy was going to want to get to know me because I lived in Ohio.
One guy had decided the distance wasn't something he wanted to pursue.
And then almost immediately another guy came along who was basically saying, Yeah, we're far apart. Let's still see if there's anything here.
It was honestly kind of healing.
Not because Ryan suddenly became Prince Charming because he was willing to buy a plane ticket. 😂 I still barely knew this man.
But because I had started taking one person's decision and turning it into this bigger belief that maybe no one would be willing to make that kind of effort for me.
Ryan reminded me that wasn't true.
Stewart wasn't wrong for not wanting long distance, and Ryan wasn't automatically better because he was willing to try it.
They were just two different guys willing to do two different things.
But after feeling rejected and wondering if living in Ohio somehow made me not worth getting to know, it was really refreshing to be reminded that one guy's answer wasn't going to be every guy's answer.
I didn't need Ryan to promise me anything.
I just wanted the chance to find out.
And he was willing to give it a chance.
And Then My “I Need to Know Everything” Side Came Out
Over the next week, we stayed in contact.
He had a trip. I had a trip. And of course my trip took me to the middle of nowhere where I didn't have service for three days, because apparently we needed to add that little obstacle into an already long-distance situation. 😂
When I got back, we kept talking.
And this is where I started learning something about myself.
When I meet someone and decide they're worth getting to know, I can go full steam ahead.
I want to know everything.
What do you believe? What are you looking for? How do you approach relationships? What matters to you? Are there major things we're going to disagree on?
Basically, hello, nice to meet you...please tell me your entire outlook on life. 😂
At the time, I mostly saw that as me being intentional.
And part of it absolutely is.
But I've started realizing there's another part of it too.
I think sometimes it's a protective mechanism.
If I can find out everything important really early, maybe I can protect my heart before attachment has time to grow.
I'd been hurt before after becoming attached to someone and then learning things later that changed the relationship. So somewhere along the way, I think I had started trying to get ahead of that possibility.
With Ryan, I decided to be honest about it.
I told him that I was really enjoying getting to know him, but because we were long distance, I wanted to talk about how we would continue getting to know each other.
And he responded really well.
He explained that with long distance, he thought it took more time before committing to an actual relationship. But he also understood that I wasn't asking him to commit to anything right then.
THANK YOU.
A guy who understood what I meant without turning it into something I wasn't saying. 😂
I also told him that sometimes I've worried I can come across as intense because I like asking deeper questions when I'm getting to know someone.
His response has stuck with me.
“I don't think that's intense. I think because you explained where you're coming from, it's intentional.”
THANK YOU, RESPECTFUL RYAN!
I seriously felt like I was on cloud nine for a minute because someone finally understood what I had been trying to explain.
Then he said something along the lines of, I'm an open book. Ask me anything.
Well...
He probably didn't realize what he had just signed himself up for. 😂
Because that's when I brought out the list.
Oh Yes...The List
If you've followed my blog, you probably already know about my 10 Must-Haves and 10 Cannots.
I love my list.
I still love my list.
And no, this story did not make me throw my list away.
But it did teach me that maybe I had been using it in a way it wasn't really meant to be used.
At the time, I thought what I was doing made perfect sense.
Ryan had just told me he was an open book. I had this list of things I'd decided were important to me in a future husband and marriage.
So why not share it?
I told him, Okay, here's me being vulnerable, and sent it.
He was completely okay with looking at it.
The next day, he got back to me.
He told me he'd read through it and that there were some things where we didn't align, so he thought it would be best to end things there.
And that's where the Respectful in Respectful Ryan really came into play.
He didn't criticize me.
He didn't make me feel stupid for having standards.
He didn't tell me I was asking for too much or try to convince me to change the things that mattered to me.
Instead, he told me he thought the list was great, that he didn't think I should compromise on it, and wished me the best of luck.
And just like that, after about a week of getting to know each other, it was over.
I was okay.
But I'll be honest.
I was sad that it ended so quickly.
Wait...So What Didn't Align?
The hardest part was that I didn't know exactly what didn't align.
And I had to learn to be okay with that.
I could sit there and speculate all day about which things on my list he disagreed with, but the truth was, I didn't know.
And I couldn't put words or beliefs into his mouth just because I wanted an answer.
What I did know was that he'd seen something important enough to him to realize we weren't a match.
That was disappointing.
Because for that short amount of time, I had felt like I'd met someone who was on a similar wavelength.
I liked the way he communicated. I liked his willingness to make an effort. I liked several of his perspectives on dating and relationships.
There were things about him that made me think, Finally! Someone gets where I'm coming from!
And then suddenly there was something important where we didn't align.
I'll be honest, I kind of broke down.
It wasn't because I'd developed some huge attachment to Ryan in a week.
I was just frustrated.
I remember having this feeling of:
IS THERE ACTUALLY A GUY OUT THERE WHO HAS THE THINGS I'M LOOKING FOR?! WHERE IS HE?!
Seriously. 😂
After enough experiences of meeting guys, seeing pieces of what I'm looking for, getting hopeful, and then finding out something doesn't align—or I'm not what they want, or they're not what I want—it gets hard.
Sometimes dating feels like collecting puzzle pieces from completely different puzzle boxes.
Oh, I love this quality.
Wrong box.
Okay, I really like this one too!
Also wrong box.
CAN I PLEASE GET THE WHOLE PUZZLE?! 😂
But after I had my moment and sat with everything for a while, I started thinking about the experience differently.
Maybe nothing had actually gone wrong.
Ryan and I had met. We were interested enough to keep talking. We asked questions and learned about each other. And eventually we found something important where we didn't align.
I didn't love the answer.
But we had gotten the chance to find out.
And wasn't that the chance I'd been wishing I'd gotten in the first place?
And Then I Had to Rethink My List
There was one more thing Respectful Ryan taught me that I didn't understand right away.
At first, I didn't think I'd done anything wrong by sending him my list.
I'd shared it with guys before.
And if I'm being completely honest, sometimes part of my reason for sharing it had basically been to see what would scare them away.
Which...looking back...
Probably wasn't the healthiest use of a dating tool. 😂
But I was learning.
After things ended with Ryan, I talked about it with my dating coach, and she helped me look at the situation from another perspective.
For the first time, I really thought about what it might feel like to be on the other side of my list.
What if a guy I had just started talking to handed me a list of everything he needed in a future wife and I knew he was looking through it to see how many boxes I checked?
Yeah.
I don't think I'd particularly enjoy that.
And somehow I hadn't really thought about it that way before.
That's when my relationship with my list started to change.
I still think making a list of what matters to you is incredibly helpful. Mine has helped me understand what I value, what kind of marriage I want, and what things I know I need in the person I eventually choose.
I'm still holding onto it.
But maybe the list is primarily for me.
Maybe its job isn't to screen every guy I meet or hand him a rubric and say, Okay, let's see how you do. 😂
Maybe it's supposed to help me know what to pay attention to.
It can guide the questions I ask naturally. It can help me recognize someone's character over time. It can remind me of what's important when feelings start getting involved.
And meanwhile, I can actually get to know the person instead of immediately trying to figure out whether he passes.
I don't think sharing it with Ryan made the whole experience bad. In fact, I'm grateful we found out early that there was something important we didn't align on.
But I can also look back and recognize that there might have been a better way for me to approach it.
And that's okay.
I was learning, and I still am.
Okay, now I'm curious about you... ❤️
Have you ever met someone who was genuinely great, but just wasn't your person?
Or maybe someone you dated didn't work out, but still left you with something good or taught you something about yourself.
I'd love to hear your story in the comments! I think there's so much we can learn from each other's dating experiences. ❤️
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