FROM MY DATING DIARY

Maybe I'm Not Going Backward — I'm in a Divine Loop

There’s a strange reality to being 24, single, and living back at home when you really thought you were done with this season.

Sometimes I look around at my life and think, Wait...how did I end up back here?

I’m living with my parents again.

I’m single again.

I’m even working at a job I worked at years ago.

And there have definitely been moments where I’ve looked at all of that and thought, Alaina...are we going backward here? 😂

Because on paper, I can see how it might look that way.

A few years ago, I was living at home, single, working, and trying to figure out my future.

Then I moved away.

I built a life somewhere else. I had new experiences. I fell in love. I thought I knew where my life was going.

And then...I came home.

Single.

Living with my parents.

Eventually even returning to an old workplace.

Talk about déjà vu. 😂

Except this time, something was different.

I was.

“So...Are You Dating Anyone?”

One of the weirdest parts about coming home was going back to church and seeing people from my old ward.

People who love me. People who genuinely care about me. People who haven’t seen me in a while and naturally want to know what’s happening in my life.

And inevitably someone asks:

“So...are you dating anyone?”

And I smile.

“Nope. Still single.”

I feel like I’ve been giving some version of that answer for the last three years. 😂

But after coming home, it hit differently.

Because not that long before, I actually thought I was done answering that question.

I had loved someone.

I had pictured a future with him.

For a while, I really believed my life was heading in that direction.

And then suddenly I was heartbroken and having to explain that no, I wasn’t dating anyone anymore.

I was back in a season I thought I had already graduated from.

And sometimes I wanted to explain myself.

I promise things happened! I promise I went places! There were developments! 😂

Because “Nope, still single” made the last few years of my life sound so...uneventful.

But they weren’t.

So much life had happened between the last time I stood here and now.

Still, there was something about standing in the same church building, seeing some of the same people, and giving the same answer that made me wonder:

Did I actually get anywhere?

And I think that’s one of the harder parts of starting over.

Sometimes it’s not where you are that hurts.

It’s knowing you thought you had already left this version of your life behind.

For a While, I Felt Like I Was Walking Through Molasses

That’s probably the best way I can describe parts of this season.

Molasses.

I’m moving my feet.

I’m doing things.

I’m working. I’m dating. I’m trying new things. I’m praying. I’m trying to trust God. I’m making plans for my future.

But sometimes I look down and think, Why does it feel like I have moved approximately three inches?! 😂

I think part of the problem was how I had defined progress.

Progress meant moving out.

Moving forward in my career.

Finding someone.

Getting married.

Building a life.

Basically, I wanted progress to be a nice little line moving steadily upward.

Preferably on the timeline I had already approved. 😂

Instead, my twenties have looked a little more like:

Move away.
Grow.
Fall in love.
Make plans.
Have those plans completely change.
Get heartbroken.
Move across the country.
Move back across the country.

And then look at God like...

Okay...where exactly are we going?

Not quite the straight line I had pictured.

But I've started wondering whether maybe I was measuring progress by how far my circumstances had moved instead of how much I had.

Because when I look at it that way, I can't really say I'm back where I started.

The Scenery Is Familiar. I'm Not.

The girl who lived here a few years ago hadn't experienced what I have now.

She hadn't moved away and built a life somewhere else.

She hadn't loved the way I have.

She hadn't had her heart broken that way—or learned that she could survive it.

She hadn't learned some of the things I know now about dating, relationships, boundaries, courage, or what she needs in a future marriage.

She hadn't had plans fall apart and been forced to decide whether she still trusted God when His plan looked nothing like hers.

I've changed.

Which means even if some of my circumstances look strangely familiar...

This cannot actually be the same place.

Because I'm not the same person standing in it.

And that’s when this idea started forming in my head.

Maybe this isn't just another divine detour.

Maybe it's a divine loop.

Hear Me Out on the Divine Loop 😂

I've talked before about divine detours—those unexpected turns where life goes somewhere completely different from where we planned.

I know those pretty well by now.

At this point, I should probably stop handing God my itinerary and expecting Him to follow it exactly. 😂

But I started thinking about how sometimes a detour doesn't take you somewhere completely new.

Sometimes the road curves around and brings you back through somewhere you've already been.

And that's where it gets confusing.

Because you recognize the scenery.

Wait...I know this place.

So naturally, you assume you must have gone backward.

But think about an actual loop in a road.

The loop isn't necessarily the destination.

Sometimes it's how you get turned around.

Sometimes it lines you up with another road.

Sometimes you have to circle around before you can head in the direction you actually need to go.

And I started wondering if maybe life can work like that too.

Maybe sometimes God allows the road to loop—not to stall us, but to reroute us.

I don't mean that I know God caused every painful thing that brought me home.

I don't.

There are parts of my story I still don't understand, and I'm not interested in tying a cute little bow around heartbreak just because enough time has passed.

Some things hurt.

Some things weren't what I wanted.

Some things I still wish had gone differently.

But I can also look back now and see something I couldn't see when the detour first started:

God was still moving.

Even when I thought I wasn't.

There Was Still Life Waiting for Me Here

When I first came home, I was mostly looking at what I had lost.

I had been building a life in Utah.

I had been in a relationship with someone I loved.

I thought I knew what was coming next.

Then suddenly, I didn't.

And I would not have chosen heartbreak as my preferred method of redirection.

If I could, I think I would find myself saying often, It's okay God, I think I'll pass on this trial and get the next one. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. 😅

And slowly but surely, life kept happening for me.

I gained more experience in my career.

I met people I wouldn't have met otherwise.

I had opportunities to share my faith and connect with people I never would have known if my original plans had worked out exactly the way I wanted them to.

And then, eventually, I ended up returning to a job I'd worked at before.

Which, initially, sounds like another giant flashing sign saying:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE GONE BACKWARD.

Except...I haven't.

I returned to a place where I feel genuinely loved, valued, and appreciated. It's given me an opportunity to save money and prepare for whatever comes next.

Same workplace.

Different season.

Different purpose.

Different Alaina.

And then there’s my family.

I'll be honest, moving back in with your parents after living on your own takes some adjusting. 😂

There are things about independence that I miss.

But I've also started realizing what this time at home has given me.

Time with people I love.

There have been moments when I've wondered if maybe my mom needed me during this season.

Maybe my sister needed me.

And maybe—probably more than I originally wanted to admit—I needed them too.

That changed the question for me.

I had spent so much time asking:

Why am I back here?

When do I get to move forward again?

But maybe I don't have to understand exactly why I'm here to live well while I am.

Maybe I can also ask:

Who can I love while I'm here?

What can I build while I'm here?

What is God putting in front of me right now?

Because I don't know how long this loop lasts.

I don't know exactly where the road goes next.

But I know now that being here hasn't been empty time.

And that realization has made me confront something else.

I Don't Want to Treat Singleness Like a Waiting Room

This is probably one of the harder things for me to admit.

I think there have been times when I've treated singleness like a waiting room.

Like I'm sitting there with my little number waiting for someone to finally call:

“Alaina? Your husband is ready now.”

FINALLY. 😂

And then my real adult life can begin.

I can get married.

Build a home.

Have a family.

Move into the life I’ve been preparing for.

And the thing is...

I do want those things.

Deeply.

I don't want to pretend I've suddenly reached some enlightened state where I'm completely fine if I never get married.

I'm not.

Marriage is something I pray for. It's something I hope for. It's something I genuinely want.

But I've started realizing there is a difference between wanting something for my future and waiting to live until I get it.

Because what if I spend so much time staring at the door to the next season that I miss what's happening in this one?

My family is here now.

My friendships are here now.

My career is happening now.

There are places I can go, things I can create, people I can serve, experiences I can have.

My relationship with God is growing now.

I'm becoming someone now.

And I don't want everything good about this season to only matter because it might prepare me to become someone's wife someday.

Yes, I want to become a good wife.

But I also want to become me.

The woman God is helping me become whether a guy shows up tomorrow, next year, or sometime after I've answered “Nope, still single” approximately 47 more times. 😂

This isn't the waiting room before my life.

This is my life.

Maybe I'm Not Back at the Beginning

I still have days when I feel stuck.

I still watch people around me move into seasons I want for myself.

Sometimes that hurts.

Sometimes I wonder when it will be my turn.

Sometimes I wish God would hand me a map instead of apparently expecting me to develop this much character. 😂

But when I look at the road behind me now, I can't honestly say I've gone nowhere.

I've traveled too far internally for that to be true.

And maybe that's what I'm finally starting to understand about this divine loop.

A familiar place doesn't make you the same person.

Returning somewhere you've been before doesn't erase the distance you've traveled.

Maybe sometimes the road forward really does take us through familiar territory.

Maybe the loop isn't where God intends for us to stay forever.

Maybe it's simply the turn that gets us lined up with the road ahead.

I don't know where mine leads yet.

That's the part I have to be honest about.

I would love to end this post by telling you exactly what all of this was preparing me for.

I can't.

I'm writing this while I'm still in it.

Still single.

Still at home.

Still figuring out my future.

Still occasionally walking through molasses. 😂

But maybe that's why this realization matters so much to me.

I don't have to reach the end of the loop before I recognize that I'm moving.

I don't have to be married before my life counts as a life.

And I don't have to understand everything God is doing before I trust that He can still do something with where I am.

Maybe I wasn't sent backward.

Maybe the road just turned somewhere I wasn't expecting.

And for now, I'm learning to stop staring so hard at where I thought I would be...

and pay a little more attention to who I'm becoming where I actually am.

Okay, now I'm curious about you... ❤️

Have you ever found yourself back in a place or season you really thought you'd moved on from?

Maybe you're in your own little divine loop right now, wondering if you're actually getting anywhere.

I'd love to hear your story in the comments! Maybe we can remind each other that familiar scenery doesn't always mean we're going backward. Sometimes we're just seeing it again with different eyes. ❤️