Sometimes You Just Miss What You Had...

FROM MY DATING DIARY

Sometimes It's the Flowers

Tonight I cried over flowers.

Not flowers I received.

Flowers my sister received from her new boyfriend.

And honestly, I did not see that one coming.

I saw them and thought they were sweet. I was happy for her. I really was.

And then, for some reason, something in me just... broke.

Suddenly I was crying.

Like REALLY crying! 😭

And at first I almost felt ridiculous.

Alaina. They're flowers. Pull yourself together. 😅

But once I let myself actually feel whatever was happening instead of trying to shut it down, I realized...

It wasn't really about the flowers.

They just reminded me of something I miss.

I Miss Having Someone

I think I've been doing pretty well being single lately.

I've been trying to build a life I love now instead of constantly looking ahead to when I'll eventually get married. I've been trying to put myself out there, meet people, go on dates when I can, work on myself, and spend time with people I love.

Life is good.

But seeing those flowers reminded me that there's still a part of this season that can feel really lonely.

Because I miss having a boyfriend.

There. I said it!

I miss having someone who loves me romantically.

Someone who thinks about me throughout his day because I'm his person.

I miss having someone know that I had a bad day and think, I want to do something for her.

And I think that's why the flowers hit me so hard.

Because I've had that before.

I've had someone bring me flowers after a bad day simply because he knew I was struggling and wanted me to know he cared.

And gosh...

I miss it.

I miss those moments.

I miss the relationship.

And yeah, sometimes I miss the person, too.

That's probably the harder part to admit.

Because there isn't anything I can do about that.

I can't go backward. I can't change another person's choices or feelings. I can't make something work just because there were parts of it that I loved.

I know that.

But knowing something is out of my control doesn't magically make me stop missing it.

And I think sometimes I've acted like moving forward means I shouldn't miss any of it anymore.

Like if I've really healed, I should be able to look back and feel absolutely nothing.

But that's not really how it works for me.

There were good things there.

There were things I loved.

There was a person I cared deeply about.

Of course there are going to be moments when I miss them.

And apparently sometimes all it takes is my sister walking through the door with a bouquet of flowers for all of that to come rushing back. 😂

Maybe I Don't Need to Talk Myself Out of It

I think that's what I'm realizing tonight.

My first instinct when I get sad about being single—or when something reminds me of what I used to have—is to immediately start correcting myself.

But you have so much to be grateful for.

You're doing so well.

Keep moving forward.

Trust God's timing.

And I believe those things.

But they don't make this feeling untrue.

I can know that something is over and still miss it.

I can know I can't change it and still wish sometimes that I could.

I can be grateful for where my life is going and still grieve parts of where it's been.

And I can be genuinely happy for my sister while her flowers accidentally hit a very tender spot in me.

None of those feelings mean I need to do anything about them.

Maybe that's the part I'm learning.

Missing something doesn't always mean I'm supposed to go back and get it. Sometimes it just means it mattered to me.

And this did.

So maybe I don't need to argue with myself every time that sadness comes back.

Maybe I can just say:

Yeah. I miss him.

I miss what use to be us.

I miss having someone.

And then let myself cry.

So Tonight, I Did

I let the tears come.

I let myself miss the relationship I had and the little things that came with it.

The flowers.

The phone calls.

Having someone thinking about me in that way.

Having someone to love in that way, too.

And I let myself admit that I'm lonely right now.

Not because my life is empty.

It's not.

But because there is a particular kind of love I want in my life that isn't there right now.

And sometimes that hurts.

I don't think I need to turn that into a big lesson or immediately find the positive side of it.

I also don't want to let it ruin my entire day.

Maybe both of those things can be true.

I can let myself mourn what I miss without letting myself live there.

I can cry about something I can't change, wash my face afterward, and keep going.

Because tonight being single feels lonely.

That doesn't mean my whole life is lonely.

And missing someone from my past doesn't mean I'm not moving forward.

Maybe moving forward isn't never looking back.

Maybe sometimes it's looking back, admitting I really loved parts of that, letting yourself feel the ache of not having it anymore...

and still continuing forward anyway.

So tonight I'm letting myself miss it.

The relationship.

The person.

Having someone who loved me that way.

And yes...

the flowers.

Especially the flowers. ❤️🌷