My Dating List Got a Little Out of Hand 😅
Turns out there's a difference between knowing what I want in a husband and trying to figure out if every guy is husband material before we've even had a second date.
Okay, I have a confession.
Remember my 10 Must-Haves and 10 Cannots list? The one I was so excited about because I had FINALLY figured out what I was looking for in a future husband?
Well... I may have gotten a little carried away.
In my defense, I had good intentions! 😂
After reading Date or Soul Mate? by Neil Clark Warren, I realized that although I had been dating for years, I hadn't really taken the time to figure out what I wanted in a marriage.
Of course, I knew I wanted someone who loved God, treated me well, and shared my values. But what did those things actually look like? What qualities mattered most to me? And what were the things I genuinely couldn't compromise on?
So I sat down and made my list.
And I LOVED it.
For the first time, I felt like I had some direction instead of just going on dates, getting attached, and hoping everything would work out.
There was just one little problem.
I had to figure out how to actually USE the thing.
When My Dating List Became a Job Application
Here's something I've learned about myself. When I find a new idea or tool that I think will help me, I tend to get pretty excited about it.
Sometimes a little TOO excited.
I had finally figured out what I wanted in a husband, and naturally, I wanted to know whether the guys I was dating had those qualities.
Preferably before I spent several months getting attached to someone, only to discover we wanted completely different things.
After some of my past dating experiences, I really didn't want to go through that again. And honestly, I think part of me believed that if I could just ask the right questions early enough, I could avoid a lot of unnecessary heartbreak.
Which sounds pretty reasonable, right?
Except I started wondering whether I was so focused on figuring out if someone was right for me that I was forgetting to enjoy getting to know him in the first place.
I mean, imagine going on a first date with someone and having him mentally evaluate whether you'd make a good wife before you've even finished telling him about yourself.
No pressure or anything. 😂
And yet, I was beginning to realize I might have been doing my own version of that.
I didn't want to waste time dating someone who wasn't compatible with me, but I also didn't want to turn every date into an interview for the position of Future Husband.
Somewhere in there, I needed to find a balance.
So Naturally, I Asked ChatGPT
Yes. I took my dating list to ChatGPT.
At this point, that poor robot has probably heard more about my dating life than some of my friends.
I wanted another perspective because I knew my list had helped me, but I was beginning to question whether I had made some of my requirements a little too specific.
And one of the suggestions it gave me was to separate my actual standards from my preferences.
Which, once I started thinking about it, made a LOT of sense.
For example, I would love to marry someone adventurous. Someone who's willing to try new things, go on spontaneous outings, and occasionally join me on my little boba adventures.
You know I had to bring up the boba test. 😂
But would I really turn down an otherwise wonderful guy who loved God, treated me well, and wanted the same kind of marriage simply because he preferred staying home over going on an adventure?
Probably not.
What I actually value is someone who's open-minded, willing to step outside his comfort zone occasionally, and interested in sharing experiences with me.
He doesn't have to love everything I love. Goodness, I certainly don't expect to love every single one of his hobbies.
But I do want us to be willing to enter each other's worlds.
And suddenly, I started noticing that quite a few things on my list were like that.
Some were genuine requirements for the marriage I hoped to have. Others were preferences that sounded lovely but weren't necessarily essential.
And a few were qualities I probably needed to understand better before deciding whether someone had them.
Apparently, my list needed a little editing.
The Part I Hadn't Really Thought About
Another piece of advice ChatGPT gave me was to stop trying to figure everything out so early.
Instead, it suggested approaching dating in stages.
In the beginning, I can focus on simply getting to know someone. Do I enjoy spending time with him? Am I interested in learning more about him? Do I feel comfortable being myself around him?
As we continue dating, we can have deeper conversations about our faith, values, families, and what we hope our futures will look like.
And over time, I can actually observe someone's character instead of relying entirely on what he tells me about himself.
Because here's the thing.
A guy can tell me he's patient, but how does he respond when our plans suddenly change?
He can tell me communication is important to him, but what happens when we disagree?
And I can tell him I'm an understanding, Christlike woman, but how do I respond when I'm frustrated or disappointed?
That last one might need a little work on my end. 😂
I'm realizing that I don't just want someone who knows how to give the right answers. I want to understand how he actually lives.
And he deserves that same opportunity to get to know me.
After all, we're both trying to figure out whether we want to build a life together. I'm not the only one making that decision!
I still believe important conversations need to happen before we become seriously involved, but I'm learning that not everything has to be discovered in the first few dates.
Some things simply take time.
But I'm Not Throwing Away My Standards
Now, before anyone thinks I've decided to abandon my entire list and just see where the wind takes me...
Absolutely not. 😂
There are some things I feel strongly about, especially when it comes to my faith.
I want to marry a man who has his own personal relationship with Heavenly Father. Someone who genuinely wants to follow Jesus Christ and build a Christ-centered home with me.
I want us to share the same vision for marriage and family, communicate honestly, and be willing to work through difficult things together.
Those aren't simply preferences for me. They're part of the kind of life I'm preparing for.
But as I've been revisiting my Cannots, I've also realized that some of them need a little more thought.
For example, having a complicated family background doesn't automatically mean someone wouldn't make a wonderful husband or father. What matters more to me is how he handles those relationships, whether he can establish healthy boundaries, and what he's learned from his experiences.
And when it comes to someone's past, I want to remember how much I believe in repentance, growth, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I don't want to overlook serious incompatibilities, but I also don't want to define someone entirely by something he's already worked to change.
Especially when I have plenty of things I'm still working on myself.
I'm starting to understand that having standards doesn't mean expecting someone to arrive perfectly prepared for marriage.
It means recognizing the qualities and values that matter most while leaving room for two people to continue becoming better.
And figuring out what that looks like in real life is something I'm still learning.
Maybe I Was Trying to Avoid Getting Hurt
As I've thought more about why I became so attached to my list, I've realized there might have been something else going on.
I think I was trying to protect myself from making the same mistakes again.
I've had experiences where I became attached to someone before really understanding what he wanted, where things were going, or whether we were actually compatible.
And those experiences hurt.
So when I discovered this idea of identifying my must-haves and dealbreakers, I was excited! Here was something practical I could do to approach dating differently.
I could be more intentional, ask better questions, and hopefully recognize incompatibilities before I became deeply invested.
And I still think those are good things.
But somewhere along the way, I think I started hoping my list could protect me from disappointment altogether.
If I could just figure out enough about someone early on, maybe I wouldn't have to experience another relationship that went nowhere.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's a worksheet in existence that can guarantee that.
Believe me, I've looked. 😂
Even if I ask thoughtful questions, take my time, and pay attention to someone's character, there's still a chance things won't work out.
And I don't particularly love that part.
But I'm beginning to realize that dating requires a certain amount of vulnerability. At some point, I have to allow myself to get to know someone without already knowing how the story is going to end.
I can make wise decisions with the information I have, trust myself to recognize when something isn't right, and trust Heavenly Father to help me navigate the things I can't predict.
That's a lot easier to write than it is to actually do, by the way.
So Here's What I'm Trying Now
I'm keeping my list.
I still love the idea behind it, and I genuinely believe taking the time to identify my standards has helped me approach dating with more clarity.
But I'm changing how I use it.
Instead of approaching every new guy with 20 things I need to figure out about him, I want to be more present and actually enjoy getting to know the person sitting across from me.
I want to ask questions because I'm curious about him, not because I'm secretly checking off boxes.
I want to recognize the difference between someone who genuinely doesn't share my values and someone who simply has different interests, experiences, or ways of doing things.
And when I discover that we're not compatible, I want to be able to acknowledge that without feeling like either of us failed some kind of test.
Most importantly, I want to remember that I'm still growing, too.
The man I eventually marry isn't going to be perfect, and neither am I. We're both going to have weaknesses, habits we're working on, and things we haven't completely figured out yet.
I want to find someone who's willing to keep learning and growing alongside me, especially in our relationship with God.
And in the meantime, I suppose I should probably practice some of that patience and flexibility I'm hoping to find in him.
Funny how that works. 😂
I started this whole dating-list adventure because I wanted to be more intentional about choosing a future husband. And I still do.
I'm just learning that being intentional doesn't mean I need to have every answer right away.
Sometimes it means knowing what matters, giving someone a genuine opportunity to show me who he is, and having enough faith to take things one date at a time.
Apparently, making the list was the easy part.
Now I actually have to learn how to date with it.
Okay, now I'm curious about you... ❤️
Have you ever realized that something you thought was a must-have was actually just a preference? Or have you ever been so focused on figuring out whether someone was right for you that you forgot to enjoy getting to know them?
I'm still trying to find that balance between being intentional and giving people a genuine chance, so I'd love to hear what you've learned from your own experiences.
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