The 5 Love Languages — What I Learned ❤️
A relationship idea I've used with family, friends, coworkers, and eventually dating—because caring about someone and knowing how to make them feel cared about aren't always exactly the same thing.
The Five Love Languages have actually been a pretty big part of my life for a long time.
Long before I was trying to figure out how to love a boyfriend, I was using them to better understand the people already in my life.
I wanted to know my family's love languages.
My friends' love languages.
Even my coworkers' love languages. 😂
Because once I learned that people don't necessarily feel loved in the same ways I do, I became really curious about it.
If my mom feels especially loved through Acts of Service, what are little ways I can help her?
If a friend really values Quality Time, maybe what she needs isn't another text telling her I care about her—maybe she needs me to actually make time to be with her.
If someone lights up when they're encouraged, I want to remember to say the kind thing I'm already thinking instead of assuming they know.
It became almost like a little challenge for me:
And I LOVED that.
Because the Five Love Languages gave me a practical way to love the people around me more intentionally.
Then I started dating.
And suddenly I realized...
Except dating added a completely different layer to it.
Now I wasn't only trying to be a loving daughter, sister, friend, or coworker.
I was trying to build a relationship with someone.
I was starting to experience what it was like to really care about a guy and think:
How do I make sure he actually feels that?
What makes him feel appreciated?
What makes him feel supported?
What makes him feel close to me?
What little things mean a LOT to him?
And what am I doing that I think communicates love... but maybe doesn't land the same way for him?
That's when something I'd understood for years started becoming even more meaningful.
Because there's a difference between knowing:
💬 Words of Affirmation
⏰ Quality Time
🧺 Acts of Service
🎁 Receiving Gifts
🤍 Physical Touch
and actually learning how to use those ideas when you're trying to love a real person well.
Dating made the Five Love Languages feel less like a personality framework and more like a relationship skill.
Because I could care about someone tremendously and still show that care in ways that don't mean nearly as much to him as they would to me.
And he could be doing the exact same thing.
Both people could be standing there thinking:
I am trying SO HARD to love you!
while the other person is thinking:
...I don't really feel it.
Oof.
And THAT is where this tool became even more important to me.
It's also about learning what the other person actually experiences as love.
And if I love someone?
I want to learn how to speak his language. ❤️
❤️ We Don't All Experience Love the Same Way
Apparently everyone isn't just me with a different face. 😂
This is probably the biggest idea behind the whole Five Love Languages framework.
People can receive the exact same loving gesture and experience it completely differently.
For one person, hearing:
“I'm so proud of you.”
might mean EVERYTHING.
Another person appreciates the compliment...
but would feel much more loved if you put your phone away, sat beside them, and spent an uninterrupted hour together.
Someone else might think:
Talking is great, but you know what would really make me feel loved?
Please help me with the dishes. 😂
Another person might be incredibly touched because you remembered the tiny thing they mentioned wanting three months ago.
And someone else might feel especially connected through hugs, holding hands, cuddling, or other physical affection.
None of those people necessarily loves more deeply than another.
They're just noticing and receiving love differently.
And I think this is where knowing the Five Love Languages has been so useful in ALL of my relationships.
Because it gives me a reason to stop assuming that everyone is basically me with a different face. 😂
It's really easy to assume:
So naturally, we tend to give love in the ways we'd like to receive it.
But relationships require learning another person.
Maybe I naturally want to encourage someone with words.
That's wonderful...
unless I'm dating someone who's thinking:
Alaina, thank you for the paragraph. Could we please just spend some time together? 😂
Knowing someone's love language gives me another question to ask:
What makes YOU feel cared for?
Not:
What would make me feel cared for if I were you?
That's a subtle difference.
But I think it's a really important one.
Five Different Ways Love Might Be Heard ❤️
The categories gave me a starting point. The real goal is learning the actual person behind the category.
💬 Words of Affirmation
Sometimes saying the kind thing you're already thinking matters more than you realize.
For someone who values Words of Affirmation, spoken or written words can carry a LOT of weight.
“I'm proud of you.”
“I appreciate how hard you worked on that.”
“I love this quality about you.”
“Thank you for doing that.”
“I believe in you.”
Those aren't just nice comments.
They can make someone feel seen.
And I think there's an important difference between giving generic compliments and actually noticing someone.
“You're great” is nice.
But:
“I noticed how patient you were with your little brother tonight. I really admire that about you.”
feels different.
It's specific.
It communicates:
Words have the ability to make a relationship feel incredibly safe—or incredibly unsafe.
If words are especially meaningful to someone, criticism, sarcasm, or constantly pointing out what's wrong may also hit particularly hard.
So loving someone through words isn't just about handing out compliments.
It's learning to use my words to communicate:
I notice you.
I appreciate you.
I believe in you.
And honestly?
I want those kinds of words to exist in my future marriage regardless of which love language ends up being #1.
⏰ Quality Time
Being in the same room isn't necessarily the same thing as actually being together. 😂
Quality Time isn't necessarily:
Because apparently sitting next to each other while both staring at separate phones doesn't automatically qualify as deep relational bonding.
Who knew?
Quality Time is about attention.
Presence.
Shared experiences.
Conversation.
Doing something together and actually being together while you're doing it.
That could look like:
going on a walk,
getting boba,
driving somewhere together,
trying something new,
sitting on the couch talking,
going on a date,
or simply putting the phones away for a little while.
Time together and connection aren't automatically the same thing.
I've definitely learned that one in dating.
You can spend a lot of time around someone and still not actually be getting to know each other.
Quality Time made me think more intentionally about:
Are we talking?
Learning?
Laughing?
Experiencing things?
Building memories?
Paying attention to each other?
Because sometimes the most loving thing you can give someone isn't another thing.
It's your attention.
🧺 Acts of Service
Love has entered the chat...and apparently brought a toolbox. 😂
Acts of Service is showing love by doing something that makes another person's life easier or communicates:
Making dinner.
Helping clean something.
Running an errand.
Fixing something.
Helping with a stressful project.
Taking care of a task they weren't looking forward to.
It's not necessarily glamorous.
Sometimes love apparently looks like taking out the trash.
Very romantic. 😂
But I actually think that's kind of beautiful.
Because Acts of Service says:
Love doesn't always need to be dramatic to be meaningful.
Sometimes it's extremely ordinary.
It's noticing:
You're overwhelmed.
and asking:
“What can I take off your plate?”
I think that's something I want in marriage.
Not one person constantly serving the other while becoming exhausted.
But two people looking around and thinking:
How can I make your life a little lighter today?
That feels like partnership to me.
🎁 Receiving Gifts
Sometimes the actual gift is knowing someone remembered you.
This one can get misunderstood.
Because when people hear Receiving Gifts, they sometimes think:
Oh. So you're materialistic.
But that's not really the heart of it.
A meaningful gift can communicate:
Maybe it's something tiny.
His favorite snack.
A book you saw that reminded you of him.
Something connected to an inside joke.
A little souvenir from a trip.
His favorite drink.
Something he mentioned months ago and completely forgot he told you about.
And then suddenly you hand it to him and he's like:
Wait...you remembered that?
That's the part that matters.
Sometimes the gift isn't really about the object.
It's about being remembered.
Someone saw something, thought of you, and chose to bring a little piece of that moment back to you.
And honestly?
That's really sweet.
It also reminded me that meaningful doesn't have to mean expensive.
Sometimes a $3 thing that says:
“I know you.”
means more than a $100 thing that says:
“I needed to buy you something.”
🤍 Physical Touch
Physical affection can carry meaning—which is exactly why I don't want to treat it like it means nothing.
Physical Touch includes things like:
holding hands,
hugs,
sitting close,
putting an arm around someone,
cuddling,
a hand on someone's shoulder,
kissing within the boundaries of the relationship,
and eventually sexual intimacy within marriage.
For someone who experiences love strongly through physical touch, affection can communicate closeness and reassurance in a way words sometimes can't.
And I think this one has also helped me think more carefully about the role physical affection plays as a relationship grows.
Because physical touch can be meaningful.
Which is exactly why I don't want to treat it like it means nothing.
Physical affection isn't automatically the same thing as emotional intimacy.
And emotional intimacy isn't automatically created because two people are physically affectionate.
I want those things to grow together in a healthy way.
I want physical affection to communicate genuine care and connection—not become a shortcut that makes a relationship feel more emotionally developed than it actually is.
And someday, within marriage, I want physical intimacy to be another way my husband and I communicate:
I love you.
I want you.
I'm close to you.
You're safe with me.
That makes physical touch feel much more meaningful to me.
💕 Learning Someone's Love Language Is Learning THEM
The quiz result is helpful. The actual human is slightly more complicated. 😂
One of my favorite things about this framework is that it gives you a starting point.
But I don't want to turn people into labels.
Like:
People are more complicated than that.
Someone might love Words of Affirmation AND Quality Time.
Someone might appreciate all five.
Someone's needs might change depending on what's happening in life.
And two people with the exact same love language may still want it expressed very differently.
That's why the most useful part isn't memorizing someone's category.
It's becoming curious.
What makes you feel loved?
What makes you feel forgotten?
When do you feel closest to me?
What do I do that means a lot to you?
What do you wish I did more often?
Those questions tell me much more than simply knowing:
His quiz result was Acts of Service.
The love language is the starting point.
And if I love someone for fifty years, I hope I never reach the point where I think:
Yep. Figured him out.
I want to keep learning him.
🏦 Making Deposits Into the “Love Bank”
Turns out a lot of love is built on random Tuesdays. ❤️
This is one of the ideas that really helped the whole thing click for me.
I think about relationships almost like having a love bank account.
Every time you do something that communicates:
I see you.
I care about you.
I'm thinking about you.
You matter to me.
you're making a little deposit.
Maybe it's a compliment.
Deposit. 💕
Maybe it's an uninterrupted conversation.
Deposit.
Maybe it's making dinner when they're exhausted.
Deposit.
Maybe it's bringing home their favorite snack because you saw it and thought of them.
Deposit.
Maybe it's a long hug after a difficult day.
Deposit.
Most of these moments aren't enormous.
They're tiny.
But over time?
And I LOVE that picture.
Because I think sometimes we imagine romance as these huge moments.
The flowers.
The anniversary trip.
The big birthday surprise.
The incredibly romantic date.
And those are wonderful.
Please still bring the flowers. 😂
But relationships aren't mostly lived in giant romantic moments.
They're lived on random Tuesdays.
They're lived when someone is tired.
They're lived when dinner needs to be made.
They're lived when one person had a terrible day.
They're lived in five-minute conversations and goodbye kisses and little texts and:
“I saw this and thought of you.”
That's where so much of love gets built.
❤️ Make Deposits in THEIR Language
I can be making deposits all day and still be using the wrong currency. 😂
This is where the love bank idea gets even more interesting to me.
Because I could be making deposits all day long...
but mostly making the kind of deposits I would want to receive.
Let's say Words of Affirmation is really important to me.
So I'm constantly telling the guy I'm dating:
You're amazing.
I'm proud of you.
You're handsome.
I appreciate you.
And I'm thinking:
LOOK AT ALL THIS LOVE.
😂
Meanwhile, maybe his strongest love language is Quality Time.
And he's thinking:
Could we please actually spend some time together?
I'm giving love.
My intentions are good.
But he may not be receiving those attempts with the same intensity I would.
And I think that's fascinating.
Because good intentions matter.
But relationships also require learning how our intentions are actually landing.
I don't want to love someone only in the way that's easiest for me.
I want to become fluent enough in his language that he can actually recognize what I'm trying to say.
And I want someone willing to learn mine too.
Because this goes both ways.
I don't want one person doing all the adapting.
I want two people thinking:
and then intentionally trying to do more of it.
🪙 Small Withdrawals Can Add Up Too
The little things matter in both directions.
If we're using the bank metaphor...
there are withdrawals too.
A forgotten promise.
Harsh criticism.
Repeatedly being distracted when someone is trying to connect.
Ignoring something they've told you matters to them.
Withholding affection.
Taking someone's effort for granted.
One mistake doesn't automatically bankrupt a relationship.
We're human.
We're going to miss things.
We're going to misunderstand each other.
We're going to have bad days.
But repeated patterns matter.
Especially when someone keeps saying:
This hurts me.
or:
This makes me feel disconnected from you.
and nothing changes.
Love isn't only something I want to feel toward my future husband.
It's something I want to practice.
Consistently.
Imperfectly.
Intentionally.
I want enough little deposits happening in ordinary life that when hard seasons come, we've already built something strong.
Not because relationships are transactional.
Not:
I gave you three compliments, therefore you owe me one back rub.
😂
That's not love.
The bank is just a picture that reminds me:
🔄 Don't Only Give Love the Way YOU Want It
Mature love requires a little translation.
This might be the biggest practical lesson I've taken from the Five Love Languages.
Because my natural instinct will probably always be to give love in ways that make sense to me.
That's normal.
But mature love requires a little translation.
Maybe I'm thinking:
I told you how much I love you!
And he's thinking:
I know. But you never make time for us.
Maybe he's thinking:
I fixed your car!
And I'm thinking:
Thank you...but I really wanted you to sit with me and listen.
Neither person necessarily failed to love.
They may just need translation.
Sometimes the question isn't:
Do we love each other?
Sometimes it's:
And THAT feels like such an important relationship skill.
Because I don't want my future husband spending years loving me beautifully in a language I never learned how to recognize.
And I don't want to do that to him either.
🧭 Knowing My Own Love Language Matters Too
Apparently he can't read my mind if I can't even read my mind. 😂
The other side of this is understanding myself.
Because I can't expect someone to magically figure out what makes me feel loved if I don't know either.
😂
Knowing my own love language gives me language for my needs.
Instead of:
“You never make me feel loved.”
maybe I can eventually say:
“I really miss having uninterrupted time together. Could we plan a night this week where we put our phones away and just hang out?”
That's so much more useful.
Or:
“Words really matter to me. When you tell me specifically what you appreciate about me, I feel incredibly loved.”
Or:
“Physical affection helps me feel connected. Can I have a hug?”
Suddenly I'm not asking someone to read my mind.
I'm inviting him to know me.
Self-awareness makes communication easier.
Knowing what I need doesn't mean demanding it.
It means I can communicate it.
And that's something I'm learning across basically ALL of these relationship books.
Healthy relationships require knowing another person.
But they also require knowing yourself.
✏️ Want to Break Down All Five Love Languages?
I wanted a place in my Dating Toolbox where I could go a little deeper into each love language—what it can look like, how someone might give it, how someone might receive it, and questions that can help you figure out what actually makes you feel loved.
Because knowing:
“My love language is Quality Time.”
is useful.
But understanding:
“Here are the specific kinds of Quality Time that make me feel connected.”
is much more useful.
EXPLORE THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES TOOL →🧪 Not Sure What Your Love Language Is?
This is the fun part. 😂
You can take the Five Love Languages quiz and use your result as a starting point for learning more about yourself.
But I wouldn't stop at:
Okay. I'm Quality Time. Done.
I'd take the result and start looking at your actual life.
Does this actually sound like me?
What examples can I think of from my relationships?
When have I felt especially loved?
What tends to hurt when it's missing?
How do I naturally show love to other people?
Do I give love in the same way I like receiving it?
Because the quiz can give you a result.
But reflecting on the result is where you start learning something about yourself.
TAKE THE LOVE LANGUAGE QUIZ →What This Book Really Changed for Me ❤️
The Five Love Languages have been part of my life for a long time.
I used them with my family.
I used them with my friends.
I even thought about them with coworkers because I genuinely liked figuring out:
But dating added a completely different dimension.
Because now I wasn't just trying to show someone kindness.
I was learning what it means to build romantic love with another person.
And I started understanding more deeply why the Five Love Languages actually matter.
I can have wonderful intentions.
I can care deeply.
I can be trying really hard.
But relationships ask me to become curious about the person I'm loving.
Not just:
How do I show love?
But:
How does he experience it?
What fills his love bank?
What makes him feel appreciated?
What makes him feel close to me?
What little things matter much more to him than I realize?
How does he naturally try to love me?
Am I recognizing those attempts even when they aren't exactly what I would have chosen?
And what does he need to understand about me?
I think that's what I want to take into marriage.
Not:
Here's how I love. Hope you like it. 😂
But:
And I hope he does the same for me.
Maybe sometimes that means words.
Maybe sometimes it's an hour together.
Maybe it's doing the dishes.
Maybe it's a tiny gift that says:
I saw this and immediately thought of you.
Maybe it's a long hug.
And probably, over a lifetime together, it's going to be a whole lot of all five.
Little deposits.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Until hopefully we've built a relationship where both people know:
I am known here.
I matter here.
And honestly?
That's the kind of love bank I want to spend a lifetime filling. ❤️
📚 The 5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman gave me a really simple framework for thinking about something that's actually pretty complicated:
The five languages gave me somewhere to start.
But I think the bigger lesson is learning to pay attention.
Learn what makes the person you love light up.
Learn what makes them feel noticed.
Learn what makes them feel safe.
Learn what makes them feel connected.
Tell them what helps you feel those things too.
And then keep making those little deposits.
Not because love should feel like a checklist.
But because:
and recognize in the way I live beside him. ❤️
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