If you read my last post, you know that by the end of 2025, I was struggling. Like...really struggling.
I had reached a point where I knew something had to change. I couldn't keep living the way I was living.
But there was one thing I had spent years telling myself I would NOT do.
Take medication.
And honestly...I was scared.
Why I Was So Afraid
My first experience with medication had been awful. I don't even remember the name of the medication anymore, but I remember exactly how it made me feel.
I remember starting it and having this amazing day. I felt happier than I had in a long time, and I remember thinking, Oh my gosh...maybe this is actually going to help.
And then the next day was basically a personal hell.
I felt trapped inside my own emotions. I couldn't stop crying—and when I say crying, I mean CRYING. So much that my eyes became incredibly swollen, and eventually I developed eczema around them.
It wasn't just my emotions that were struggling either. My overall health was getting worse.
When I left on my mission, I weighed around 140 pounds. Over the next nine months, I lost about 20 pounds.
That was scary.
Eventually, I finished the medication and didn't refill it. Through a lot of prayer and what I felt was a very strong prompting from God, I came to believe that I needed to go home and heal.
So after nine months, I left my mission.
And thankfully... I healed.
I got better. Life started moving forward again.
Which is why, two years later, when I found myself in a very similar place and was once again being encouraged to consider medication, I had some pretty strong feelings about it.
I had already been there. I knew what it felt like to be afraid that something that was supposed to help me might actually make everything worse.
I Had a Decision to Make
As I got closer and closer to rock bottom again, I knew I couldn't keep pretending everything was fine.
Do I keep trying to push through this on my own?
Or do I open my mind to something I had spent years being afraid of?
After a lot of prayer, conversations, and honestly just getting to the point where I knew I needed to do something, I decided to try.
I started Lexapro.
And let me tell you... I WAS SCARED.
Like, really scared.
Every time I took it, there was a little voice in the back of my head wondering, Okay...is tomorrow going to be awful? Am I going to have the same experience I had before?
I was basically waiting for something to go wrong.
But thankfully... it didn't.
My body responded really well to it.
My Personal Black Holes
Over the next month, I started noticing changes. Not just in my mood, but in the way I experienced my own thoughts.
One of the things I struggle with is what I like to call my “personal black holes.”
Basically, one thought pops into my head. Maybe it's something small.
Then that thought leads to another thought, which leads to another, and suddenly I'm thinking about everything that has ever gone wrong, everything I'm frustrated about, everything I'm worried about, and every possible thing that could go wrong in the future.
And before I know it... I'm in the black hole.
I'm trapped inside my own thoughts and emotions, and climbing back out can feel almost impossible.
What surprised me about Lexapro was that I didn't suddenly become a completely different person.
I didn't wake up one morning thinking, WOW! I HAVE NO PROBLEMS ANYMORE!
Wouldn't that be nice?
Instead, I started noticing that there was a little more space between the thought and the emotion.
I wasn't getting sucked into the spiral as easily. I could recognize what was happening. I could step back. I could breathe.
And for me... that was HUGE.
I felt like I had more control over my emotions instead of feeling like my emotions were controlling me.
It was one of the most freeing things I had experienced in a long time.
A quick note: I'm only sharing my own experience here. Medication isn't the answer for everyone, and everyone's situation is different. I'm not telling anyone what they should or shouldn't do—this was simply an important part of my own story.
For the First Time, I Felt Like I Was Healing
For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was actually healing instead of just surviving.
And once I started feeling mentally healthier, I realized there was another area of my life I couldn't keep avoiding.
Dating.
Yep. Dating.
Dating in 2025. Dating in 2026. And apparently...we'll see about 2027.
Because if you've been following my dating journey for any amount of time, you already know that dating has not exactly become my favorite hobby.
It has been emotionally exhausting. It has challenged me. It has made me question myself.
And there have been plenty of moments where I've wondered if I even wanted to keep doing it.
But maybe I didn't need to give up on dating.
Maybe I needed to learn how to approach it differently.
I Didn't Want to Go Back the Same Way
After spending so much time healing, I finally felt ready to try again.
But this time, I didn't want to jump back into dating and simply repeat the same patterns.
I wanted to do things differently.
I wanted to date with a healthier mind. I wanted to learn from my past. I wanted to figure out what I actually wanted instead of just hoping the next guy would magically be the one.
And, of course...
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.
Because apparently healing yourself and figuring out dating are two completely different projects.
But I had an idea.
A slightly crazy idea. One that was completely outside my comfort zone.
And somehow, I couldn't shake it.
So I decided to try something I'd never done before.
Something that required me to be vulnerable. Something that required me to ask for help.
Something that made me think...
“Oh my gosh...am I really about to do this?”
Spoiler alert: I did.
And honestly? It might have been one of the best dating decisions I've ever made.
What about you?
Have you ever had something you were completely against become something you eventually had to reconsider?
Maybe it was asking for help. Maybe it was admitting you couldn't keep doing things the same way. Or maybe you've experienced your own version of a “personal black hole,” where one little thought somehow turns into 47 others before you even realize what's happening.
You don't have to have it all figured out. I'm certainly not pretending I do. ❤️
I was about to do something that made me feel completely ridiculous, completely vulnerable, and maybe a little bit brave.
I was going to ask people to help me find a date.
Yep. I actually did it.
And if you think that sounds crazy... just wait until you hear what happened next.
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