10 Must-Haves + 10 Cannots: The Dating List That Gave Me Direction ❤️
I don't think I ever went into dating thinking,
I have absolutely NO idea what I'm looking for. 😂
I had an idea.
I wanted someone kind. I wanted someone who loved God. I wanted a good relationship. I wanted someone I could laugh with and build a life with.
You know...the general idea was there.
But it mostly lived in my head.
I had never really sat down and asked myself:
Okay, Alaina. What ACTUALLY matters to you?
Not what would be nice.
Not what sounds good when someone asks what your type is.
Not what I could probably learn to live with if I liked someone enough.
What are the things that I genuinely need in the person I'm going to build a life with?
And just as importantly...
What are the things I know I cannot build a relationship around?
When I finally sat down and wrote those things out, something shifted for me.
Dating started to have a little more direction.
And then, as I kept dating, something else happened.
My list started teaching me about myself.
There were things I thought mattered that turned out to be more of a preference.
There were things I hadn't thought much about that, after dating someone who was very different from me in that area, made me go:
Oh.
Okay.
That actually matters to me. 😂
Over and over, dating has helped me learn what I value, what I need, what I can be flexible about, and what I really can't.
And that's why this is one of my favorite tools in my Dating Toolbox.
The Shopping Cart Problem 🛒
I first learned this idea from Neil Clark Warren's book Date...or Soul Mate?
One of the ideas he shares is basically the difference between going shopping with a list and going shopping without one.
And I LOVE this analogy because...have you ever gone grocery shopping hungry without a list?
Dangerous. 😂
You walk in thinking:
I'll remember what I need.
And then suddenly you're standing in the checkout line with cookies, chips, a drink you saw on an endcap, something that was on sale that you definitely didn't need...
and somehow you forgot the milk.
Dating can be a little like that.
You can have a vague idea of what you're looking for.
And then you meet someone.
He's cute.
He's funny.
You have things in common.
Conversation is easy.
He likes you.
Maybe there's chemistry.
Maybe he has really nice hair. 😂
And none of those things are bad!
Those can be wonderful things.
But suddenly your cart starts filling up with all the things you like about this person.
And sometimes, once I like someone, I can become VERY good at explaining why something I previously thought mattered...
maybe doesn't matter quite as much anymore.
Well...technically...
Maybe I could be okay with that...
But look at all these OTHER good qualities...
😂
It gives me something to come back to:
What did I come to the store for? 🛒
So...What Are Must-Haves + Cannots?
The idea is pretty simple.
You're going to create two lists:
❤️ 10 Must-Haves
Things that genuinely need to be present for you to build the kind of relationship and life you want.
🚫 10 Cannots
Dealbreakers—things you know you cannot build that kind of relationship around.
These aren't supposed to describe your perfect person.
Otherwise my list could get very specific very quickly. 😂
The goal is to figure out the difference between:
“Oh, I'd really like that.”
and
“No...this actually matters to the life and relationship I want.”
Let's Actually Make Yours ✏️
Don't try to come up with the perfect 20-item list in five minutes. We're going to build it in layers—starting with the life you want, getting everything out of your head, and then narrowing down what actually matters.
Want to Work Through It on Paper? 📝
I made a printable version of this exercise so you can brainstorm, narrow things down, and write out your final 10 Must-Haves and 10 Cannots as you work through the steps below.
OPEN THE PRINTABLE WORKSHEET →Build Your Must-Have + Cannot List
Start broad. Get honest. Narrow slowly. And don't be surprised if dating keeps teaching you more later. 😂
Start With the Life You Want
Before you start describing a person, think about the life you're hoping to build.
Write a few sentences describing what you want your future relationship, marriage, and everyday life to feel like.
Ask yourself:
- What kind of marriage do I want?
- What do I want our home to feel like?
- What role do I want faith to have?
- Do I want children?
- How important are family, travel, growth, service, stability, communication, or adventure?
- What kind of life am I actually trying to build?
You're not just looking for someone who's fun to date.
You're eventually looking for someone who can build a whole life with you.
Make the Big, Messy List
Now forget about the number ten.
You're not narrowing anything down yet.
Write down absolutely everything you think you might want in a partner. Don't edit yourself yet.
Seriously. Everything.
Funny
Honest
Good communicator
Strong relationship with God
Financially responsible
Likes traveling
Wants kids
Emotionally mature
Hardworking
Adventurous
Likes trying new things
Good relationship with family
Tall
Likes K-dramas
Will drink boba with me 😂
Some of these may not survive the next step.
That's okay.
The point right now is to get everything out of your head and onto paper.
This was huge for me because I'd always had ideas about what I wanted.
Writing them down made me actually look at them.
Separate “Would Be Nice” From “Actually Matters” 😂
Now go through your giant list one item at a time.
Is this actually important to the relationship I want... or do I just really like it?
There's a difference.
I can really enjoy having interests in common with someone.
But does my future husband need to love K-dramas?
No.
Does he have to order the same boba as me?
Also no. 😂
Those can be bonuses.
But kindness, honesty, a personal relationship with God, or wanting a similar kind of life?
Those hit differently for me.
Those are connected to the kind of marriage I actually want.
Choose Your 10 Must-Haves ❤️
Now comes the slightly painful part.
You only get ten.
I know.
Rude. 😂
Circle the things on your messy list that feel genuinely essential.
Then keep narrowing until you reach ten.
For each one, ask:
Some things that have become really important to me are:
❤️ Honesty
❤️ A personal relationship with God
❤️ A shared vision for the kind of life we're trying to build
And some of those became clearer specifically because I've dated.
Sometimes an experience makes you go:
Wow. I didn't realize how important that was to me until now.
That's useful information.
Create Your 10 Cannots 🚫
Now flip the exercise.
Write down the things you know you cannot build a healthy, happy relationship around.
We're not talking about:
He wears a shirt I don't like.
Or:
He doesn't like sushi.
Or:
He pronounces a word differently than I do.
Those may annoy you. 😂
But a Cannot is different.
It's something that conflicts with your values, faith, safety, future, or the kind of relationship you're trying to build.
For example, if one of my Must-Haves is having a personal relationship with God, then someone who doesn't want that isn't simply:
Hmm...not ideal.
That's important compatibility information.
Neither person has to be wrong.
We might just be trying to build different lives.
A Cannot doesn't automatically mean:
BAD PERSON. RUN.
Sometimes it simply means:
Not the right fit for me.
Define What Each One Actually Means
This step is REALLY important.
It's easy to write:
Kind.
Okay...
What does that actually look like?
Go through each Must-Have and Cannot and write one or two sentences explaining what you actually mean by it.
For kindness, you might ask:
- How does he treat people when he's frustrated?
- How does he talk about people who aren't in the room?
- How does he treat his family?
- How does he treat me when we disagree?
Same with:
Strong relationship with God.
For me, that's deeper than checking a religious box.
I'm talking about someone who has his own relationship with God.
Not one that depends on me.
Not just someone who technically attends church.
Someone whose faith is personally important to him and who wants to keep growing.
Once I started defining my words, my list became MUCH more useful.
Let Dating Teach You
This is the part I didn't fully understand at first.
Your list can become clearer as you become clearer.
Not because you rewrite your values every time you meet someone cute. 😂
Please don't do that.
But dating gives you information.
- Did something matter less than I expected?
- Did something matter MORE than I expected?
- What made me feel connected?
- What made me feel respected?
- What differences were easy for me?
- What differences affected the kind of life I want?
I've dated people and realized:
Ohhh...I thought this was a huge deal, but maybe it's actually just a preference.
And other times:
Nope. That one matters WAY more to me than I realized.
We're not only learning about other people while we date.
We're learning about ourselves.
Come Back to the List When You Actually Like Someone
THIS is where the exercise really earns its spot in my Dating Toolbox.
Making the list while you're thinking clearly is one thing.
Looking at it when you really like someone?
Different experience. 😂
Suddenly your brain becomes a lawyer.
Well technically...
Maybe that's not exactly what I meant...
Maybe I could adjust this one...
But he has so many OTHER good qualities...
I know that voice very well. 😂
- What am I actually seeing?
- Are my important Must-Haves present?
- Has one of my Cannots shown up?
- Am I learning new information?
- Or am I trying to justify information I already have?
Oof.
That last question has gotten me before. 😂
The list doesn't make my dating decisions for me.
It simply reminds me:
What This Tool Actually Changed for Me
Making this list didn't suddenly make dating easy.
I still get confused.
I still have feelings.
I still sometimes wonder whether I'm being too picky or not picky enough.
And I have definitely had moments where something didn't quite line up and I still thought:
But maybe... 😂
What changed was that I finally had direction.
Before, I had a general sense of what I wanted.
Now I had words for it.
Instead of only asking:
Could I make this work?
I could ask:
And I LOVE that question.
Because I don't want to spend my dating life trying to force every good person into the role of my person.
There are going to be wonderful men who aren't right for me.
And I'm not going to be right for every wonderful man either.
That's okay.
The goal isn't:
Find someone I can somehow make work.
It's:
Get to know someone honestly enough to discover whether we actually fit.
My Must-Haves and Cannots give me a compass for doing that.
Your 8-Step List-Building Guide 📝
- Describe the kind of life and relationship you want.
- Brain-dump everything you think you want in a partner.
- Separate preferences from things that actually matter.
- Narrow your Must-Haves down to 10.
- Create your 10 Cannots.
- Define what every Must-Have and Cannot actually means.
- Let your dating experiences teach you more about yourself.
- Come back to the list when you start really liking someone.
And don't worry about making the perfect list the first time.
You'll probably cross things out.
You'll rewrite things.
You'll realize something you thought was essential really isn't.
And you may discover something you barely thought about before actually matters deeply to you.
That's not failing at your list.
That's learning yourself.
That's really what this tool has done for me.
It hasn't told me exactly who I'm going to marry.
But it has helped me understand the kind of relationship I'm trying to build—and what I need in the person building it beside me.
So now, when I walk into the metaphorical dating grocery store, I'm still allowed to notice the cute packaging. 😂
I can still enjoy the unexpected things I find.
I can still be surprised.
Ready to Make Your Own List? ✏️
Use the printable worksheet to brainstorm your bigger list, narrow it into 10 Must-Haves and 10 Cannots, and define what each one means to you.
PRINTABLE: 10 MUST-HAVES + 10 CANNOTS →📚 Want to Learn More?
I learned this exercise from Neil Clark Warren's book Date...or Soul Mate? How to Know if Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less.
This is one of those dating tools that didn't just give me another list to make—it helped me get more specific about what I value and gave me something concrete to come back to as I kept dating.
If you want to read more about the exercise and Warren's approach to intentional dating:
READ DATE...OR SOUL MATE? ON AMAZON →Just sharing a resource that has genuinely been useful in my own dating journey. ❤️
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