The RAM Model: The Relationship Tool That Changed How I Date ❤️
There are a handful of dating tools I've come across that didn't just make me think,
Oh, that's interesting.
They made me think:
Ohhhh.
That explains SO much. 😂
The RAM Model was one of those for me.
I learned it from John Van Epp's book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, and I can genuinely say this was the second dating book that really changed the way I approach relationships.
Not just:
Who should I date?
But:
How should a healthy relationship actually grow?
And once I understood this model, I started seeing it EVERYWHERE.
In relationships I'd already had.
In Dating Detours.
In friendships.
Even in the way trust develops with people at work.
Because the basic idea is surprisingly simple:
Those five little words gave me a framework for something I don't think I had ever really thought about before.
Relationships have an order.
Or maybe a better way to say it is:
Relationships have things that need time to grow.
And sometimes our feelings can move a whole lot faster than our actual knowledge of another person.
Ask me how I know. 😂
Meet the RAM Model
RAM stands for Relationship Attachment Model.
It looks at five different areas of attachment:
How well do I actually know this person?
Based on what I know, how much do I trust them?
How much do I depend on them and believe they'll follow through?
How committed are we to each other and to the relationship?
How much physical closeness or intimacy is part of the relationship?
Here's the part that really got me:
Trust shouldn't massively outrun how well you actually know someone.
Reliance shouldn't outrun trust.
Commitment shouldn't race ahead of knowing, trusting, and relying on someone.
And physical attachment shouldn't be pulling the whole relationship forward before everything else has had time to grow.
That's the balance at the heart of the RAM Model.
When I first learned that, I started looking backward at some of my relationships and thinking:
Oh.
There it is.
😂
KNOW: Do I Actually Know Him?
This sounds ridiculously obvious.
Of course you should know the person you're dating.
But I've learned that spending time with someone and knowing them are not always the same thing.
You can go on dates.
Text constantly.
Talk late into the night.
Know their favorite food.
Know what shows they watch.
Know what they studied in college.
And still have some pretty big question marks.
Who are they when they're stressed?
How do they handle conflict?
How do they talk about people they disagree with?
What are their values?
What do they actually want their life to look like?
How do they handle responsibility?
How do they treat their family?
What happens when they're disappointed?
What patterns keep showing up?
That takes time.
And this has been a lesson for me over and over again.
Sometimes I've thought:
We've spent SO much time together. Surely I know him pretty well.
And then dating eventually reveals:
Ohhh. There was still a lot I didn't know.
That's actually one of the things Stalled-Out Stewart taught me.
We could spend time together. We could do things together. We could have astronomy nights and pickleball and Freddy's.
But time together doesn't automatically equal deeper connection.
Knowing someone takes more than accumulating hours.
It takes curiosity.
Conversation.
Shared experiences.
Paying attention.
And enough time for patterns to actually show themselves.
TRUST: Is My Trust Based on What I Know?
This one was BIG for me.
Because I think sometimes trust can sneak ahead.
Someone is nice.
They're interested in you.
You have a great conversation.
You find out you have a million things in common.
And suddenly your brain goes:
Wonderful. Safe. Excellent human. Proceed. 😂
But trust is supposed to grow out of knowledge.
Not just chemistry.
Not just potential.
Not just:
Well, I have a really good feeling about him.
And definitely not just:
But he likes me!
Trust asks:
What has this person actually shown me?
Are their words and actions consistent?
Do they follow through?
Can I believe what they tell me?
Have I seen enough of their character to know what I'm trusting?
That doesn't mean we should date suspiciously, waiting for someone to mess up.
It just means trust gets to grow.
We don't have to hand someone 100 percent of it simply because the first few dates went well.
RELY: Can I Actually Count on Him?
This one is where trust starts becoming more practical.
You know someone.
You begin trusting them.
Then, over time, you start seeing:
Can I rely on this person?
When they say they'll do something, do they?
When I'm having a hard day, how do they respond?
Do I feel like we're both contributing to the relationship?
Am I constantly carrying the connection forward?
Am I always initiating?
Am I making excuses for why they don't show up?
This part has made me pay much more attention to patterns instead of promises.
Someone can say:
“I care about you.”
Great.
But what does caring about me look like?
Someone can say:
“I really want to see you.”
Okay.
Do they actually make time to see me?
Someone can say:
“You can count on me.”
Wonderful.
Can I?
That's not cynical.
That's getting information.
COMMIT: Have We Built Enough for This?
And then we get to the one that really makes me think about Fantasy Fred.
Commitment.
Fantasy Fred was my first official boyfriend after my mission.
And at the time, having a boyfriend felt HUGE.
I had wanted that experience.
I was excited.
There were so many things about him that felt almost weirdly perfect on paper.
We both liked K-dramas.
We had meaningful conversations.
We did fun dates.
Studio Ghibli.
Sushi.
Pho.
He played piano.
There were plenty of things I genuinely liked about him.
And yet...
there were also things I didn't know.
Important things.
We were in very different stages of life.
There were dealbreakers I had already identified.
There were questions about compatibility.
There were areas where I kept thinking:
Maybe this isn't actually a big deal.
And at one point I literally told him:
“You like me more than I like you.”
Which...
in hindsight feels like some fairly significant information. 😂
We even ended things briefly.
And then two days later, we reversed course.
Eventually we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
The commitment level moved up.
But looking back, there were still areas in Know that needed more time.
There were things in Trust and Rely that were still developing.
And I think that's one of the reasons the RAM Model hit me so hard when I learned it.
It helped me understand that becoming more committed doesn't magically answer the questions you haven't answered yet.
Knowledge is supposed to help inform commitment.
That was a HUGE shift for me.
Because sometimes I think I've wanted the relationship to move forward so badly that I've thought:
Maybe if we just give this a real chance, everything will become clearer.
And sometimes it does.
But sometimes you've already been given information.
The question is whether you're willing to slow down enough to listen to it.
TOUCH: Physical Closeness Is Powerful Too
And then there's Touch.
I actually really appreciate that this is part of the model because physical closeness does something.
Holding hands.
Cuddling.
Kissing.
Physical affection.
Those things can make us feel closer to someone.
That's kind of the point. 😂
But that also means physical closeness can sometimes make a relationship feel farther along than the rest of the relationship really is.
Again...
Fantasy Fred taught me something here.
I remember when we started holding hands and cuddling, I kept waiting for that feeling of:
YES. THIS IS SO CUTE.
And instead my internal reaction was more like:
...bleh.
😂
Very romantic, I know.
But it was information.
My body wasn't magically solving the questions I had about the relationship.
Physical closeness didn't make the incompatibilities disappear.
And I think there's another side to this too.
Sometimes physical chemistry can be GREAT.
And because it feels great, it's easy to assume:
Wow. We must be really connected.
Maybe.
But the RAM Model reminds me to look left.
How well do I know him?
What has he shown me about trust?
Can we rely on each other?
What is our actual commitment?
Touch is part of a relationship.
It just shouldn't have to carry the entire relationship.
The Rule That Made Everything Click for Me
When I picture the RAM Model now, I imagine five sliders:
And the goal isn't to shove every slider to 100 as fast as possible. 😂
It's to let them grow in a healthier order.
If my commitment is at 90...
but I barely know the person at 30...
Hmm...interesting.
If I trust someone completely after three conversations...
but I haven't actually seen how they behave across different situations...
Hmm...interesting.
If I'm emotionally depending on someone like we've been together for years...
and we've known each other for three weeks...
Hmm...interesting.
If our physical relationship feels incredibly close...
but we're avoiding the conversations that would tell us whether we're actually compatible...
Hmm...interesting.
What part of this relationship is actually growing—and what part am I pulling forward?
This Doesn't Mean Relationships Have to Be Perfectly Even
This is important.
I don't use the RAM Model like a math equation.
I'm not sitting on a date thinking:
Interesting. Know is currently at 63 percent, but Trust has reached 67. We have a violation. 😂
That's not the point.
Real relationships aren't that tidy.
Sometimes one area will naturally move a little faster.
Sometimes something happens that affects trust and you have to rebuild.
Sometimes commitment changes.
Sometimes life circumstances change how much you rely on each other.
For me, RAM is more like a visual check-in.
It helps me notice when something feels dramatically out of balance.
And then instead of immediately panicking, I can get curious.
Why is this one so far ahead?
Do I actually know enough to trust this much?
Am I relying on someone who hasn't shown consistency yet?
Am I committing because the relationship is ready—or because I really want it to work?
Those questions have been SO helpful.
And Yes...I See It Outside Dating Too
One thing I love about this model is that once I understood it, I started noticing pieces of it in other relationships too.
Obviously I'm not talking about the Touch part in the same way at work. 😂
But think about it.
A friendship grows because you get to know someone.
As you get to know them, you learn whether they're trustworthy.
As trust grows, you start relying on each other.
Over time, there's a deeper commitment to the friendship.
Even at work, I see a version of this.
I get to know someone's work style.
I see whether they follow through.
I learn what I can rely on them for.
And eventually there can be a stronger level of trust and commitment in that working relationship.
For me, that's what made RAM feel bigger than another piece of “dating advice.”
It helped me understand how closeness develops.
What RAM Has Changed in the Way I Date
I think before learning this model, I was much more focused on:
Is this going somewhere?
Now I'm trying to pay more attention to:
How is this growing?
That's different.
I want to actually know the person I'm moving forward with.
I want trust to come from what I've learned.
I want reliance to come from consistency.
I want commitment to be based on the relationship we've actually built.
And I want physical closeness to support that relationship instead of convincing me there's more there than there really is.
I'm definitely still learning this.
I've had Dating Detours where I moved faster emotionally than the relationship was ready for.
I've had others where we spent plenty of time together but never really moved deeper.
I've had relationships where I wanted commitment badly enough that I started explaining away information I probably needed to sit with.
And I've also had experiences where slowing down helped me see things much more clearly.
That's why I keep coming back to RAM.
It gives me a way to ask:
Alaina, what do you actually know right now?
Not:
What are you hoping this becomes?
Not:
What could he potentially be?
Not:
But what if this works out?!
😂
What do you actually know?
And then I can let the rest grow from there.
Try It With Your Own Relationship 📝
If you're dating someone right now—or even thinking about a past relationship—draw five little sliders on a piece of paper:
Then work through each one:
1. KNOW
How well do I actually know this person?
What have I learned about their character, values, relationships, habits, goals, and patterns?
2. TRUST
Is my level of trust supported by what I know?
What have they consistently shown me?
3. RELY
Can I count on this person?
Do their actions match their words?
Is the relationship reciprocal?
4. COMMIT
Does our level of commitment make sense based on what we've actually built?
Am I moving forward because the relationship is ready—or because I'm afraid of losing it?
5. TOUCH
Is physical closeness growing alongside the rest of our relationship?
Is it helping us connect—or making us feel more bonded than we actually are?
Then zoom out.
If one is WAY ahead of the others, you don't necessarily need to panic.
Just notice it.
Get curious.
Maybe you simply need more time.
Maybe you need more conversations.
Maybe you need to watch for consistency.
Maybe you need to slow one area down while the others catch up.
The point isn't to judge your relationship.
It's to see it more clearly.
The Part I Wish I'd Understood Earlier ❤️
The RAM Model hasn't made dating predictable.
People are still people.
Feelings are still feelings.
And I am still very capable of liking someone and immediately wanting to know how the story ends. 😂
But it has helped me become more comfortable with the middle.
The getting-to-know-you part.
The watching.
The asking.
The learning.
The letting trust actually be earned.
The allowing someone to show me whether I can rely on them.
The not needing commitment to happen immediately just so I can feel secure.
And maybe most importantly...
That one has taken me a while.
Fantasy Fred taught me that.
Stalled-Out Stewart taught me that in a completely different way.
Honestly, a lot of my Dating Detours have taught me some version of it.
And I have a feeling I'll keep learning it.
Because sometimes the healthiest thing I can do in dating isn't to figure out how to move the relationship forward.
Sometimes it's simply to ask:
What do I actually know?
And let everything else grow from there. ❤️
📚 Want to Learn More?
I learned the RAM Model from John Van Epp's How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.
This was genuinely one of the books that changed the way I think about dating and relationships. It helped me understand not only what I should pay attention to in another person, but how a relationship itself can develop in a healthier, more intentional way.
If you want to dig deeper into the RAM Model and Van Epp's approach to getting to know someone before your heart gets too far ahead of your head:
READ HOW TO AVOID FALLING IN LOVE WITH A JERK ON AMAZON →Just sharing a book that has genuinely earned a permanent spot in my own Dating Toolbox. ❤️
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